I lied

The other day I received this toy in the mail from Eden Fantasys for review. I excitedly opened the box, removed the toy and its components, put it together to make sure it worked, then put it back in the box. Joe's not feeling well so I figured we wouldn't be using it that night.

About 12:30 that night (technically morning) Ethan was at the foot of our bed, crying his eyes out because his ear was hurting him. He's been dealing with ear infections his whole life, so I know the pattern oh so well. His ears have become so desensitized that when it hurts, it's too late. Antibiotics won't work fast enough. All he can do is wait for the eardrum to rupture, which drains the fluid out of his ear through his ear canal. The good news is that it usually doesn't take long to rupture. The bad news is that rupturing causes scaring and scaring causes hearing loss.

I jumped out of bed and gave him Advil and a warm compress to try to ease the pain. I told him to go lay down on our couch and I would be right there to snuggle with him. After going potty, I made my way over to the couch when he held up this:

Ethan: "What is THIS?"
Me: (still half asleep with blurry vision and in the dark) "What is it?" (I couldn't see!)
Ethan: "I don't know. But it's gross."
Me: (clearing my eyes and seeing the box, not with a clear brain though.) "Oh yeah. I know."
Ethan: "Whose is it?"
Me: "Um, I don't really know."
Ethan: "Where did it come from?"
Me: "It just came in the mail. I don't know why though."
Ethan: "But what exactly is it?"
Me: "How am I supposed to know? Give it to me and let's snuggle."

In the morning when my head was more clear, I told him that I had ordered a pair of jeans on Ebay and maybe the lady I won them from sent me the wrong item. Later that evening I "confirmed" the story with him by saying that I had emailed the lady and she was very sorry and embarrassed for sending me the wrong thing. He bought it.

But DAMMIT if that kid doesn't find every toy I have. Even when I hide them, somehow, he finds them. This one wasn't hidden, as I left it on the coffee table in our basement. He never goes down there before I wake up. Figures. The one time I leave it out in the open, he'd come downstairs and find it. One day soon, he's going to be too old to buy my stories. I'm just going to have to gross him out and be like, "Listen kid, these are MINE and I LIKE THEM!!"

I hope everyone has a safe and fun weekend. Happy Friday!!

Deep Throat of the Day: 2 toy reviews coming to a blog near you. (one toy still not discovered by the child, sheeew)

Sign of aging

Every morning I listen to a local pop/top 40 radio station. I don't so much listen for the music as I do the morning show, which is hilarious. Sure they play *some* songs I like but for the most part I can't stand the new music.

When I was 10-11 all I wanted for my birthday was a He's the DJ, I'm the Rapper tape (ha, remember THOSE?) from DJ Jazzy Jeff & The Fresh Prince. I just HAD TO HAVE IT because of the song "Parents Just Don't Understand." My dad refused to buy that "rap shit" for me so I told all of my friends and I ended up getting 4 of them at my party. I didn't need 4 of the same damn tape, but I was happier than shit. That is if shit is happy.

I grew up listening to BIG, BEAUTIFUL voices like Whitney Houston, Mariah Carey (pre-whoredom) and Jewel. There were TALENTED artists like Madonna and Michael Jackson. This was good, make that GREAT music. I don't expect there to be other Whitneys or Madonnas out there, but I don't expect the bottom of the barrel to be the most famous music out there either.

Miley Cyrus? Horrible! She makes my ears bleed. Britney Spears? Not only is her life a train wreck but her voice is so nasally and wretched that I want to jab my eardrums with an icepick. Taylor Swift? PUH-LEASE!!!!! None of these bitches would make it to Hollywood if they tried out for American Idol! Then they just play some stupid shit like "Fireflies" by Owl City.

For a while I kept thinking that the quality of music is becoming lower and lower as the digital generation evolves. But then I realized that's not it. I'M GETTING OLD!!!!! Remember growing up and thinking your parents were so out of it because they thought your music was horrible? I'M BECOMING THAT PARENT!

Deep Throat of the Day: The music still sucks.

New Acronym

MILFITA (pronounced milf-IT-a not milf-ee-ta: Mom I'd Like To Fuck In The Ass.

Courtesy of Joe.

Big night

I have a date tonight with a sexy, amazing man. We're going to see a movie (to maintain my fear of darkness), have dinner and shoot pool. The night's probably going to end with me getting lucky. Don't hate.

I hope everyone has a safe and fun Halloween!

UPDATE: Paranormal Activity? WORST MOVIE EVER!! Please do not buy into the hype. There's a reason why they only spent $15,000 making this movie. There were a few, and I mean a few, scary parts and even a few funny parts. Other than that, BOOOORING! I'll never get that hour and 39 minutes of my life back. And neither will you if you waste your time seeing this movie. Joe and a bunch of people in the theater agreed, so I'm not the only one.

Deep Throat of the Day: Getting lucky = bumping uglies. (for those of you not down with the lingo)

Show me the boob!

In honor of October being Breast Cancer Awareness Month, the local news channel (ABC 7 D.C.) is having real women demonstrating the proper way to perform a self examination of their breast. You can read an article about it here.

This story is making national news and is all the talk around town. Many people are speculating that they're only doing this to boost their ratings since it's sweeps week. Either way, I think it's a wonderful idea. But of course, like the linked article says, there are parental watchdog groups that are taking issue with it. What if there's a kid in the room when the breast is shown? BIG FUCKING DEAL!

I know I've somewhat written about my thoughts on nudity around children before, but that was a long time ago and I want to discuss it again. But before I do, I want to first say that I understand everyone has different beliefs and styles of parenting. Just because I don't agree with some beliefs and parenting styles that doesn't mean they're wrong.

Nudity to children is what parents make of it. When parents make nudity taboo, then seeing a breast in a nonsexual manner automatically becomes a big deal. I wish more parents would normalize nudity in their households and explain to their children that nudity does not equal sex or anything sexual. If they felt comfortable being naked around their children then their children would be used to seeing body parts. Therefore when a breast being self-examined popped up on their tv, they wouldn't be all, "OMG LOOK! THERE'S A BOOB ON THE TUBE!" *giggle giggle point point* It would be more along the lines of, "Mom, what's for dinner?" But you don't have to be naked around your children to normalize nudity. Talk to them. Teach them. Don't shelter them.

The views usually stem from how we're raised. Joe was raised in a very traditional, Catholic home where being naked around your family was not acceptable. Joe thinks it's weird that Ethan doesn't think twice about being naked around me or vice versa. My upbringing wasn't like his, but it wasn't liberal with the nudity either. My dad (who raised me) never expressed that nudity was wrong but he didn't walk around the house naked either. Because of that I have the belief that if you normalize nudity to your children, they won't grow up getting a boner every time they see a nipple. I also believe parents need to talk to their children about their bodies and how they function BEFORE they learn about it in 5th grade health class....but that's the start of another post.

The bottom line is that I'm so sick of these parental watchdog groups making a fuss over stupid shit just because they raise their children in a bubble with a sense of entitlement . A self breast exam is NOT A SEXUAL ACT and is very informative! And? It just may save a life.

To these uptight parents stirring the pot about what ABC 7 is doing: STOP! Teach your children not to be ashamed or embarrassed when they see flesh because it's just a body part, not sex. Boobs are just boobs until they have a dick sliding between them. THEN you can complain.

Deep Throat of the Day: We need to send the parental watchdogs to Europe!

TMI Tuesday #210

1) What are three mistakes someone could make on the first date with you that would automatically make you turn down a second date with them?
*Be arrogant.
*Lie to me.
*Be on the phone talking or texting entirely too much.

2) Pick an animal that best displays your personality. :)
*Chipmunk. (it was the first thing that came to my mind, so I wrote it)

3) If your S/O stopped having sex with you, how long would you stay?
*This question has too many questions that need to be answered before I can answer it. Is the no sex thing permanent? What's the reason he stopped? Is this a problem that can't be fixed with Viagra or something?

4) Are you more passive or aggressive when the relationship becomes physical?
*B-E-AGG-R-E-SS-IVE, AGGRESSIVE, B-E AGREESIVE, BE AGGRESIVE! (I know you guys know this cheer)

5) Have you ever been INSIDE a store that sold adult themed toys and videos?
*Um, YEAH. Did you expect me to just stand outside in the parking lot or some shit?

Bonus (as in optional): What percentage of women do you think are capable of handling being in a "friends with benefits" relationship? How about men?
*Women: 53%
*Men: 79%
(please note: I just pulled these percentages out of my ass.)

Wanna play? TMI Tuesday, ya pervs! Go HERE and join in on the fun!

Embarrassing things

The other day I was telling Joe that when I was a kid and my parents would fight, I used to think that if I kissed one and then the other, that would magically bring them together. My dad's kiss on my lips would transfer to my mom's lips and things would end happily ever after. Of course, that didn't work and they divorced. But that got me thinking about all of the things that I've thought that were wrong. (yes, believe it or not, I have thought things that were wrong) So I've been trying to remember them so I can list them here.

I used to think that the "FL OZ" listed on the bottles/cans of beverages stood for Florida Ounces, because I grew up in Florida. It wasn't until I was about 13 and visiting my sister in Philly when I realized the sad truth. I was holding a bottle of soda and I said to my sister, "LOOK! This bottle was brought up here from Florida!" She said, "How do you know that?" I replied, "Because of the FL right here." She started cracking up laughing and told me what it really stood for.

Up until I took Anatomy in high school, I thought women peed from their clits. I did a whole lot of self examination after that.

Even though I knew what sex was, I thought for sure I had lost my virginity the first time I had a boy dry hump me. My experienced friend, Jackie, convinced me otherwise.

I had used the words desecrate and defecate interchangeably until about the age 20.

I was around 19 when I discovered that Vegas wasn't in California.

I have been, and always will be, afraid of the dark. Even now, at 31, I'm a big pussy when it comes to the dark. Just last night after I put Ethan to bed, all the lights were off upstairs. I shut his bedroom door and *ran* down the hallway, through the living room, the dining room and YAY I made it to the kitchen where the overhead light is dim. Sheeew! But listen, I swear there are things waiting in the dark to kill me. They wait for the moment that I don't run past them to grab me and take me to darker places to do evil things to me. When the ex and I first moved into our new house and we hadn't put up blinds yet, I would not, repeat WOULD NOT leave our bedroom after the sun went down. It was the only room with covering over the windows. The living room had a big huge window with darkness on the other side that contained horrible, horrible things just waiting to get me. I'm telling you people, it's the truth!

So what are some of your embarrassing things that you used to think but have learned were wrong?

Deep Throat of the Day: Evil lurks in the dark. Beware!!