Wednesday, October 12, 2005

Cheeseless Danish

One of the women I work with is leaving to go to another office. As a we're not sad we're celebrating because you have lived in this country for the majority of your life and your english is still horrible farewell, the company bought breakfast. Complete with fruit, bagels, muffins, doughnuts, and cheese danish. I can eat me some cheese danish now. I was a little late to work so I wasn't here when the celebration started. When I arrived I was told that there's breakfast in the kitchen and they had my favorite, cheese danish.

I was happy. Little cheese danish guys were dancing around in my head singing London Bridge. My mouth started watering profusely that I could barely keep the saliva in my mouth. Mmmmmmmmm, I thought to myself, I hope they have pineapple and kiwi and maybe even strawberries...I also hope they bought beverages for us this time because I'm thirsty. A mimosa would be nice, except I don't want champagne I want vodka. Good vodka like Grey Goose or Ketel One, but then it wouldn't be a mimosa it would be a screwdriver and I shouldn't drink vodka anyway because it makes my clothes mysteriously fall off and I end up on top of a bar looking for them. A margarita sounds yummy, on the rocks, no salt. With Jose Cuervo. But Cuervo does crazy things to me too, so maybe I'll just stick with a Captain & Coke. Damn I can't wait to savor the yummy cheese filled danish. Then I saw the most horrible thing. On the plate where the cheese danish layed so delightful and pleasantly sweet, there were only rings of danish with.....with....HOLES in the middle. Some evil person had cut out the creamy cheesy part of the danish and left the outside portion. Not just on one exquisite cheese danish but ALL THREE!

What is wrong with these people I call my coworkers?? Have they not any respect for pastry?


fyrchk said...

Are you telling me they had a fucking going away party for "ooooooookay" and not for me?


Anonymous said...

What kind of fat ass BIATCH does that and puts the fucking danish skeleton back on the plate. Did she think that someone wanted her fucking cutouts?
People that break donuts in half and put the other half back in the box or plate piss me off too. "I can only have half a donut cuz I'm a big fucking fat ass."

Eat a granola bar and get the fuck out of the way.

Ooooo... i really ranted there.

Nessa said...

oh that's just sick - if you're gonna do that, at least take it back to your desk and dispose of your danish defacing without anyone seeing!

schmims said...

That will teach you to be late! :) Lightning will strike in five, four, three, two...ZZZAAAAPPPPP!

Yeah, I'm always late. What can I say, I hate my job. It's tough to get up and come in EVERY. SINGLE. DAY.

Maine said...


This just helped me come up with a million dollar idea. I'm going to start up a service where people call me, pay me $50, and I walk inside a room/school/house/office/etc. and punch the shit out of everyone I lay eyes on. Right now, you'd be fumbling through your purse looking for my card.

Who does this? Just throw the rest away!

Kira said...

I am this considered acceptable behavior in your area of the US? To mutilate danishes and then leave the remnants for others? I thought the convention was: take it ALL, bitch, take it ALL! Or don't take it at all. Period.

Opaco said...

Put out a twinkie. Check it in an hour, see if someone has sucked all the cream out.

april said...

Fyrchk-Yes they did, but this one wasn't anything compared to the one they threw for Conor. We had High Tea at 2 with an assortment of tea and sushi, crumpets, pita sandwiches and turkey wraps. NICE. I'm sorry babe! We know they're assholes and karma is a bitch.

Macca-We've got all kinds of bitches at my job. You don't even know. Rant=Good.

Nessa-THAT'S WHAT I SAID! Why bother, no one's gonna eat it after you cut out the best part.

Schmims-my extra 20 minutes that I overslept was worth missing out on the cheesy center. I love my sleep. Maybe I've got worms too. =)

Maine-How about I get your services for free since I've helped you with the idea? I'm starting my list as we speak.

Kira-I'm only like one state away from you, but then again this is Virginia. I've seen a lot of weird shit since I've moved here.

Opaco-Thank you!! That's going to be my sons science project on the power food can have over people.

Opaco said...

Maine, you take the east and I'll take the west. We'll split the services down the middle.

Jezzy said...

That's so wrong! That's like eating the chocolate off chocolate-covered almonds and leaving the almonds, or licking the cream from the oreos and leaving the biscuit part, or scooping all the caviar from the pate, or taking the chocolate roses off the mud cake. Wrong, wrong, wrong!!

Kira said...

We have our wierdness in rural SC (I'm an hour away from where Deliverance was filmed), but I've never seen the danish holes issue. Must be particular to Virginia ;) Instead, I just notice that a lot of my students do not have all their teeth and think rotting, black teeth or teeth stumps are more attractive than dentures. THAT is more of the convention here!

Hmmm since they have no teeth, maybe cheese danishes are too hard to chew...

Anonymous said...

Maine, Start that business and give me an interview. I would love to work for a copany like that.

"Ms Danishdefacer?"
"Yes" [munching on danish cutouts]
"You have a 'Punch O' Gram' from April."


"She also says 'Enjoy your pastry, Fatass'. Have a good day"

pickett said...

I'm thinking the offender is an only child. Who the heck else would deface not one but THREE danish and leave them there for others to drool over? Throw that S@$T away!

PS. They sell 12 packs of really good cheese danish at Sams. Squirrel goes through a box a week :)

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