Wednesday, January 18, 2006

I see, said the blind man

Several of the douche bags I'm unfortunately employed with have started Weight Watchers. I bought a 10 pack of the mini 100 Grand bars and offered some to everyone. Hey, douche bags need chocolate too!! Anyway, when offering to the one's on the Weight Watchers program, I remembered that they're on a diet. So I say:

Me: "Oh shit, I'm sorry! I forgot that y'all are on a diet!

Simultaneously two of them reply with:

Douche Bags: "It's not a DIET, it's a LIFESTYLE CHANGE!"

Am I the only one who sees the humor in this? A lifestyle change? Does this make them feel better when they stop counting how many points EVERY SINGLE serving of food is? "I didn't fail my diet, I just changed my lifestyle back to the way it was! Now give me that chocolate bar, bitch!"

Calling it a "lifestyle change" just makes so many things sugar coated. Think about the scenarios....

Lindsay Lohan could say:
"I'm not a bulimic coke whore, I just changed my lifestyle from being the sweet Disney teen icon."

Britney Spears could say:
"Please stop calling me a fat, dirty, slob! I'm simply going through a lifestyle change, so fuck off!"

**********

I heard on the news this morning that new studies have shown that Viagra and Cialis can cause severe optical nerve damage which will cause blindness. Maybe there is some truth to what your mamma's told you boys.........

**********

During some movie I was watching last night (I can't remember the name of it) this guy who had been up on crank for like a week straight, said something that just made me laugh. I couldn't stop laughing and apparently I'm the only person who thought it was funny. Regardless, just my husband and I were watching it, but when I was telling one of the non-douche bag co-workers about it, she didn't laugh either. The line was: "Excuse me. I don't mean to impose, but I am the ocean."
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAAAAAAAAAA!!

21 comments:

Itchy said...

I went to Weight Watchers for a bit...and it's not a lifestyle change. It's a diet. I ate what I always eat...but I ate less of it. That equals diet. And the women there were weird...I just couldn't relate.

A lifestyle change would be if all of a sudden I fell assbackwards into a shitload of cash and instead of driving a used car I bought on eBay I'd be sunning myself on my yacht somewhere tropical. That's a lifestyle change...

Nessa said...

bwahahaha - I laughed at the ocean thing and now I want to know what movie that is! IMDB - here I come!

Nessa said...

The Salton Sea with VAL KILMER! I'm so Netflixing that!

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0235737/

Maine said...

I've got to go use the bathroom.

No, wait... I mean, I've got to go alter my lifestyle. No longer will I be the type of person who has urine in their bladder! From today forth (until my kidneys tell me otherwise), I will be an empty-bladdered individual. Don't I need a partner for this, or some shit?

april said...

NESSA-THAT'S IT!!!! I fell asleep half way through the movie, but I was still laughing when I went to bed. I just kept repeating to myself, "Excuse me. I don't mean to impose, but I am the ocean." Then cracking the fuck up. And when he asked, "Did you bring the plastic people?" That whole scene with Bobby was just non stop funny for me.

hotdrwife said...

NESSA BEAT ME TO IT! Damn, that is one good movie.

My husband's favorite guy in that is Pooh Bear, who says: A man will say just about anything when he's sporting badger food for a pecker.

april said...

Pooh Bear is played by the super sexy Vincent D'Onofrio too. Damn I'd love to sit on his face!!

Randi said...

as a member of weight watchers (sadly) it's kind of like being in denial. i always 'fess up to being on a diet but basically, yah, it changes the hell out of your lifestyle. especially if you're like me and love some burritos. sigh. i miss the days of intestinal distress.

schmims said...

I laughed.

Some of the people here are starting an at work weight watchers group. It was something like $80/month plus the cost of food. They actually put me on the email list until I hit reply to all and informed them that I'm not paying $80 to lose the whole five pounds I could stand to lose, but don't care if I do. That stopped the emails. After all, I can lose that much weight from a visit from Aunt Flo.

Grant said...

For a good "on drugs with no sleep" movie, I recommend Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas. Most people can't identify with it, but those that get it think it's entrancing.

The Soviet said...

the weight watchers douche bags are absolutely correct. for instance, when i decided to cut girls out of my diet, it, too, was a lifestyle change.

besides, eating pussy was like, 25 points. and that was just too much.

A.J. said...

Awwww. All y'all are bring back memories of my crank-fueled days. One gigantic laugh-a-minute thrill ride!!!!!!

When I mentioned to my doctor that I wanted to lose weight, He actually recomended weight watchers, for these reasons specifically........#1 The women to men ratio is like, what 30-1. #2 They're all, or at least most, gonna lose weight and look better.....and most importantly #3 They all have self esteem issues. My doctor is awesome....or as I say "He's tits!" Thank you flashback 80's lingo!!!

fyrchk said...

Mini 100 Grand bars = 2 points. Booyah Bitches. Give 'em the finger for me. :)

hotdrwife said...

April -
Then we will take turns on his face. Just not as Pooh Bear!!!
Damn, he's fine.

Dark Damian said...

I'm so doing this to you.

http://darkdamian.blogspot.com/2005/07/vincent-donofrio-is-greatest-actor-on.html

Holla.

Mojotek said...

The fact that both of them felt obligated to correct you that it was a lifestyle change right away tells me they're having a little trouble convincing themselves that they can do it anyway... I know I'm male, but I could give to shits if someone said I was on a diet when I had already told myself it was a lifestyle change. Well, OK, I would never tell myself that... but you get the point.

Kira said...

Damn. I thought *I* was the ocean.

Any time that somebody tells me to eat some stuff and not others, it's called a diet.

All diets suck. Although I remember reading about this one guy who sold diet pills and promised lots of weight loss in 30 days. It actually worked! However, the unfortunate part is that the gov't caught what was IN his pills...tapeworms. So, you took the pill, got tapeworms, and the tapeworms ate some of what you were eating so you could lose weight. Sounds great to me. Would that count as a lifestyle change?

The Lily said...

Ms. Serious weighing in: I am by NO MEANS defending your putrid, corpulent "friends," but if you change the way you treat your body in the long-term = lifestyle change. Changing the way you eat in the short-term = diet.

My guess is they have the self-control and will power of retarded ferrets, AND I predict and empty bag of chocolate for you in the near future.

And I laughed from the sheer randomness of "I am the ocean." Was it Indie? I have never heard of it.

april said...

I hate blog spam

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Anonymous said...

DID you bring the plastic men !?