Wednesday, January 25, 2006

If you hold the head steady, I'm gonna milk the cow

Because I am unable to come up with just one thought to write an entire post about, I thought I'd share multiple thoughts. Wanna hear it? Here it go....

*My niece has 4 inch long, curly blonde hair growing in a cute little patch. ON HER LOWER BACK!!!! I shit you not! Kid is going to be 4 on February 2nd and she has more hair on her back than most men have on their arm pits. I have never seen anything like it. EVER. I know she can't help it, but it's fucking gross. And if it were my kid, I'd shave it, wax it, pluck it, SOMETHING to get that shit off.

*I spent 15 minutes looking at myself in the mirror this morning. I wasn't doing my hair, putting on make-up, plucking my eyebrows, or anything vain. I was trying to make my left nostril flare. Since having this Bell's Palsy for FOUR FUCKING WEEKS NOW, there has been minimal improvement. I suppose some is better than none, right? Anyway, I was dead set on making that bitch move. After 15 minutes and a migraine, it moved. I was so excited that I yelled for Ethan so he could see it. He was like, "Now wiggle your ears!!" Baby steps, man. Baby steps.

*I'm still trying to figure out why I was so intrigued by watching this old man trying to find China through his sinus cavity with his fingers. All the while driving on the interstate. Yes, I stared.

*I get these e-mails that drive me crazy. They're sent to my work e-mail addy from my coworkers and they're always a forward. But when I open it I have to click on another attachment which takes me to another attachment which takes me to ANOTHER ATTACHMENT. Next thing I know, my dumb ass has opened up 6 damn attachments just to read some stupid fucking shit about friendship and I don't even like the bitch that sent it to me!! Why not just forward the email from the last fucking attachment so the unfortunate person you're sending it to doesn't have to be annoyed? And I don't send you e-mails like this because I DON'T LIKE YOU, so please, dumb bitches, don't send them to me just because the end of the email said you must send it to 500 people or you will have 10 years of bad luck. Because you're going to have ONE DAY of bad luck when I chuck my monitor at your ugly ass!!

That is all.

Deep Throat of the Day: Who was the first person to look at a penis and say, "I don't care how much piss comes out of that thing, I am going to stick it in my mouth!?"

19 comments:

Itchy said...

Were you staring in the mirror like The Bride? "Wiggle your big toe." Sorry...that's just what I envisioned...

I've often wondered about the whole penis in the mouth thing myself. Hygiene hasn't always been what it is today, ya know...

Dark Damian said...

You know good and damn well that penii are like hot dogs to you, April. Don't even front.

A.J. said...

Whoever the person was they were the bravest and most brilliant inventor of all time! Ya gotta give the recipient a little credit too. He may have been the first person to ever get a toothy BJ.

Laurie said...

Guys pee out of those???

Who knew.

I hate friendship emails too. Fucking stupid flowery bullshit angel havin' snoopy lovin bitches. Send me something useful...like ways to Kick Your Ass, Bitch!!!!

Yo.

Maine said...

I'm guessing the penis thing wasn't her idea. As a guy, I know I've, at some point, fucked every female hole/crevice I could find.

(For the record, the mouth is very good, but the ear doesn't really work for anyone involved.)

Congratulations on the facial improvement. In another couple of weeks, you should be moving that eyebrow like The Rock.

Jay said...

I blocked all my lame friends who sent me chain friendship emails. I decided that finding out this kind of thing about them, they really should not be my friends anyway.

fyrchk said...

You send it back to them however many times it tells you to forward it. That's what I do.

And, you give fantastic head, so you shouldn't even worry about how it originated. It could slow you down or something!

Coley said...

My guess is that the whole penis in mouth thing was also discovered by the person who watched an egg come out of a chicken's ass and then decided to eat it.
And while that's two moments of brilliance, imagine how many failures this kind of thing can lead to.

As for email forwards, the people who do this are usually just a little mentally retarded. In my opinion, anyhow.

The Soviet said...

Speaking of Ludacris, I luf him. He makes me laugh.

The Soviet said...

i refuse to send those kinds of forwards. when my mother sent one that was themed "e-love for jesus" and basically said if i didn't forward this to everyone plus the person who sent it to me, i'd burn in hell, i wrote my mother back and said, "I think god knows i love him and doesn't need an e-mail to prove it."

and whoever invented the penis in the mouth thing? i thank them, whoever it was.

maybe it was lot's wife. she did have a thing for salt.

Grant said...

Re: Deep Throat of the Day.

Well, it certainly wasn't any of my girlfriends.

anthony said...

april send the email back to them and just say either of these 2 things:
please refrain from sending me these emails, thank you...
or....
IS THIS WORK RELATED??
PLEASE STOP FOWARDING THESE EMAIL TO ME!!
i did that @ my job and then all of a sudden everyone jumped on MY bandwagon and said the same thing.
mine was a reply to all...the whole company (entire US) and even to the CEO i hope he was not happy and fired the guy.

hotdrwife said...

April ....

We require your assistance.

Email me (or Laurie) at hotdoctorwife@Yahoo.com

Kisses!

fyrchk said...

HDW: I told you I emailed her at her work account. dork.

Randi said...

You're like Uma in Kill Bill when she's in the Pussy Wagon trying to wiggle her toe! You can do it, April!!

Randi said...

totally didn't read itchy's first comment. i'm retarded.

Kira said...

Yay for wiggling!

As far as the blow job thing goes, are you sure it was a woman who willingly decided to place her mouth there? I'm suspecting it was more like one of these, "Well, you on the rag, bitch? Fine! You can still SUCK THIS!" types of moments wherein the guy then grabs said girl's hair and pushes her down on his shaft. Yes, I know, I'm being graphic again. But come on! You know that's what happened the first time. No girl decided to do that on her own unless she had too much of that grain with the hallucinogenics on it. Then the girl realized what a good mood it put the guy in afterwards, and she said hmmmm....this has potential.

Pondering the reverse side now...why did a guy put his face down there too? Did he think because he couldn't find the clit any other way and the tongue was sensitive, he might have a shot that way? "I'll just feel my way around until I spot it..."

schmims said...

I f-in' hate those forwards. Marit and my friend Melissa always sends that dumb shit and finally we had an intervention with her to let her know that forwarding emails wasn't going to change her luck, save a kid from a fatal disease, or help her find her one true love.

And you're deep throat... yeah, who the hell thought to do that. I wanna kick her ass.

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