Friday, January 13, 2006

I'm allergic

The story I'm about to tell you is real. The names have been changed to protect the innocent and the event took place a few years ago. Oh, and this is not yet rated.

After a session of bumpin' uglies with my husband, my eye was irritated due to, umm, let's just say it was bad aim. I flushed my eye out with water, but it still burned really bad. So bad that I contemplated calling the poison control people. I would have called if I didn't think that I'd be the topic of the conversation for the rest of the week. "Hey Bob, did you hear about that girl who called last night who got jiz in her eye?" I just left it alone and tried to go to sleep.

The next day I went to work with a bright red eyeball. Working with physicians, some concern was shown by a female nurse practitioner.

NP: "April, what's wrong with your eye?"
Me: "Oh, it's just allergies."
NP: "I don't think so. It really looks like pink eye."
Me: "NO, NO, it's NOT pink eye."
NP: "I think it is pink eye and you shouldn't be here if it is because it's contagious."
Me: "Thank you very much for your concern, but I am positive that it's NOT pink eye."

She walked away and about 10 minutes later one of the male physicians stopped by my office.

Doc: "April, NP told me that I really needed to examine your eye. Come with me please."

As I followed him to one of the exam rooms, I could feel my face getting more red than my eye. I wasn't sure if I could tell him what was REALLY wrong with my eye. So we walked into the room and he shut the door behind me.

Doc: "Just hop up here and I'll take a look."
Me: "Um, Doc, I have to tell you something."
Doc: "...."
Me: "See, I know that I don't have pink eye."
Doc: "Is that so?"
Me: "Yes. Ummmm, my husband and I were kinda...well you know, and well.....he sorta shot the stuff in my eye, and ummmm apparently my eye doesn't like it.....if ya know what I mean."
Doc: "Oooohhhhhh, so it's not pink eye."
Me: "No, it's not pink eye."
Doc: Hahahahahaha "That's about the funniest thing I've heard in a long time." Hahahahaha. "Ok then, get back to work!"

HOW EMBARRASSING!! Only me, I tell ya. Only me.

17 comments:

Macca said...

Thats kinda hot.

Bill said...

jizz-eye?
spermoptical reaction?
dink-pink-eye?
Goo-missed-your-doo-eye?
Number one reason to swallow?

From this story we can all safely assume that you will never be the star of facial porn. Oh god, I just pictured you trying to explain the cover of the film to Ethan. SORRY.

A.J. said...

Ah, the money shot. Sometimes overlooked. Sometimes overhyped, but mever, never THAT entertaining.

It brought to mind cartoons where Elmer Fudd would look down the barrel of a shotgun and have it go off in his face

Were you able to style you eyelashes in a new and exciting way?

fyrchk said...

Remember us having this conversation when I came to work with "pink eye?"

We used to do better stuff than work! We should've been paid based on that!

Maine said...

Wow. No bukkake, lady.

Itchy said...

This has got to be the funniest thing I've read all day...

Now I'm glad it only went up my nose...erm, I mean...I can't relate to that story in anyway. Don't even know what you're talkin' about...

The Soviet said...

That's hot.

And yet, I feel for you. I've soooo been there. And I feel your pain. It burns.

Kira said...

must...stop...laughing...then...can...type...coherently....

The Lily said...

Poor April.

trist1973 said...

I just found your blog a couple of days ago, but I had to comment to say...That's the funniest damn thing I have heard in a long time.

JJ said...

"Only me, I tell ya. Only me."

Actually, I know a guy who did the same thing to himself. Yeah, seriously. He was alone and shot it up into his face. His eye was all swollen and red for a couple of days.

And no, when I say "a guy," I'm not talking about myself.

pickett said...

dear God, I think I peed myself a little.

hotdrwife said...

OH.MY.GOD! That's hysterical.

And now we have something in common! hahahahaha

I love it.

The Lily said...

Stop me if I am being too serious...

I've never had the experience, *knock on wood* but I thought that semen stung anyway, not that it was an allergic reaction.

WHY AM I AT WORK TODAY?!?!?!

april said...

You're not being too serious. It wasn't an allergic reaction, that's was just my excuse as to why my eye was pink. That I had allergies.

Same reason why I am!

The Lily said...

OOOOOOH. Ok. I get it. I'm having a fake blonde day.

schmims said...

I would have so let them think it was pink eye and gone home for the day.