Wednesday, January 11, 2006

You know you're a redneck.....

After drinking a 32 oz. coffee before I even arrived to work, my tummy was cramping because I had to pee so bad. I stopped at a gas station to use the restroom but someone was in the ladies room. I didn't even hesitate to use the men's room because I had to go THAT bad. Don't worry it was a single bathroom with a lock on the door. Anyway, I pee for what seemed to be forever and I heard someone try and open the door. I hurry up and wash my hands and open the door to find this mullet wearing, rotten teeth having, redneck with a camouflage hat standing there waiting to use the potty. He opens what appears to be his mouth and before any words came out I smelled his stank, nose hair burning breath.

Redneck: "Can't chu (you) read? This here is the MEN'S room." as he points to the little man on the door. Not the word MEN, but the little man.

My thoughts were, is he serious? Asking ME if I know how to read? How does someone's breath stink so badly that they don't even know it? Does he have no friends? My friends would tell me if my breath smelled like rotten pussy. I wonder if this guy's dad is also his brother? I hope no one has sex with this man because he should not reproduce. Then I say:

Me: "Can't you brush your teeth, cut your hair and stop wearing flannel?"

As I walked away he was such a gentleman and said, "Fuck you!"

Ahhhh, I just LOOOOOVE Virginia.


Itchy said...

At least the rednecks in West Virginia are polite to the women folk. At least the rednecks that I know are.

I honestly thought I would be leaving the rednecks behind when I moved down here (Tidewater area). Imagine my surprise when I discovered that not only were there rednecks, but they were entirely different than the ones I grew up around. These guys make me miss "my" rednecks...HA!

Randi said...

I know I'm a redneck because I would have peed BEHIND the gas station. Haha.

Laurie said...

Sounds like my hillbilly family. My mom had just had both her breasts removed (cancer) and could BARELY move. Her brother visited her at the hospital the DAY OF surgery, right afterwards. When he was leaving, he said, "Well it looks like you need a doggy kiss" and she groggily said, "What's a doggy kiss?" and HE LICKED HER ACROSS HER FOREHEAD, TEMPLE TO TEMPLE!!!! She couldn't move her arms to wipe off the hillbilly saliva so she had to wait for a nurse.

This is only ONE of my many stories.

A.J. said...

Is it wrong to be aroused by stories of women peeing........................uh, not that I am..............I was just wondering. Yeah, that's it. My friend, he likes that kind of stuff.

Anonymous said...

Awww, how is my dad anyway? did he look good?

schmims said...

I wish my brain was quick enough to say such things when the situation presents itself. I would have stood there stairing back and eventually said, "yeah." Really good come back there.

Dark Damian said...

You're a brave, brave soul. He might've gotten his sister/wife to come over there and kick your ass. But if you hid in a library, the bitch would never find you.

Bill said...

You know... it is an entitlement. Men are not supposed to have to wait in a line for the bathroom. Well except at sports facilities. And flannel is good... comfy sheets during the winter. As for mullets... ummm... they were big in the 80's and Joe Dirt had one??? as for the teeth... at least you don't have to kiss him. As for his comment... maybe it was a question... JK.

At least you were in there first. He is probably one of those guys who doesn't lift the seat to piss while standing. Then you would have had a splattered seat you wouldn't use and had to wait for the womens room.

Amanda said...

Are you sure you weren't in South Carolina?? I swear I saw this man this morning at the gas station.

Mojotek said...

It's kind of encouraging to hear Redneck stories from all over the place. Gives us here in KY a little better feeling about being the butt of so many jokes.

And great job on calling him out on his stank breath!

Kira said...

This tale reminds me of local jokes about Pickens County, a very rural county in SC.

Q. What did the 13 year old girl say right after her first sexual experience?

A. Git off me, daddy, you're crushin' my cigarettes!

Q. What do you call four Pickens County women gathered together, talking?

A. A full set of teeth.

Bill said...

I just got this list in an email. Ten signs that you're a Redneck Ghost:
(1) You buy your ectoplasm in 10-gallon drums from the local Wal-mart.

(2) You greet the living by shrieking, "Boo, y'all."

(3) Those fancy English ghosts may come riding up on the front lawn in
a black hearse driven by headless grooms, but you'll just stick to
sputtering onto the scene on a 1972 John Deere tractor.

(4) During "spirit writing" sessions with mediums, you're often forced
to have them draw pictures instead.

(5) Your rattling chains continue to get caught on the screen door of
the doublewide trailer you haunt.

(6) All of the ghosts and revenants in your immediate vicinity are your
first or second cousins

(7) Your favorite spots to manifest are, in order: monster truck
rallies, gun conventions, and the "Jerry Springer Show."

(8) You COULD go out and haunt that big mansion down the street, but
you'd rather just stay home and watch fishing shows on the TV.

(9) Your shroud? A nylon Confederate flag.

(10) You're suspicious of poltergeist because their name don't sound

Opaco said...

that was hilarious. tell him off again!

Maine said...

Dude opens a men's bathroom door, sees a good looking woman walk out, and his first reaction is anger? Like, 60% of all male fantasies start out like that. I figured he'd have been happier to see you...

Anonymous said...

definitely a gay redneck.

april said...

Itchy - I haven't really noticed the difference in the rednecks, but I'll think about that next time I'm in WV.

Randi - You know, I would've too if I had a dick.

Laurie - that is just cruel, licking someone across their forehead.

A.J. - Tell your, um, FRIEND, that they make porn for people like you, oops I mean HIM. =)

Soviet - If I'd of known he was your daddy, I wouldn't have said anything about him wearing flannel!

Schmims - Thank you. I practice these things in the mirror at home.

DD - "I ain't goin' in dat der place wit all dem picture a word things on paper."

Bill - Flannel sheets are one thing, shirts are a no no.

Amanda - How scary is it that there are more than just one of this type of guy??

Mojo - I hear that KY rednecks are the sexiest kind....

Kira - HAHAHA too funny. I've heard the teeth one before, but in reference to WVians. (sorry itchy)

Bill - Who thinks of this kind of stuff?

Opaco - I hope I don't ever see him again. I can hear him now, "Der goes dat der men's room hog."

Maine - Male fantasies have a hot woman in a men's room??

Soviet - You made me spit my drink out of my nose!! YOU ROCK!

Itchy said...

I have all of my teeth...but I'm also 1/2 Californian so that helped. I was born and raised in WV...but only raised by one WVian...

pickett said...

Could've been worse, I encountered a redneck, wannabe she, he in Wisconsin this week. Long grey redneck/hippie ponytail, fake boobies, hoop earings and make up. Wouldn't that have been a sight when you opened the door.

When in that situation, I say claim you're awaiting the operation.

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