Wednesday, February 08, 2006

#5 just cries a river a minute, 7 wants to tie you up and drown you in it

I'm going to vent for a minute or 10. You've officially been warned.

  • Is it like some fucking law of oldness that if you're a woman you MUST be a fucking CUNT when you reach the age of 65? You MUST be all up in everyone's business? Don't old bitches have cakes to bake or closets to put mothballs in? Seriously, little old bitches better just keep their fucking mouths shut for the next 3 fucking days or I will, I repeat, I WILL be causing severe lack of bladder control and maybe even heart attacks. So wear your depends and crank up those pacemakers bitches!

  • It can no longer be "PC" to start a piece of correspondence with the word "Sirs," can it? There are fucking women in this world and we are not sirs! We're bitches, sluts, cunts, douche bags, whores, ladies, and if you're feeling really nice you can use madam. Cocksucking prick.

  • How does every radio station have the right to say that they are the area's #1 station for their particular type of music? Every one can't be #1, right? This irritates me and it shouldn't, but it does and I have to deal with it. The same thing with new t.v. shows and movies. They're always, "This years #1 comedy or drama" etc. Are Americans stupid enough to believe that every one is #1 therefore we MUST watch it?

  • Damn the MAN, and yes it is a man, who plotted the shedding of the uterus lining. EVERY FUCKING MONTH! As if that weren't bad enough, he decided that he'd make us all sappy one day (see yesterday's post) then a raging bitch the next. Fortunately for me, I'm good at being both.

  • I have a new idea for population control. Make men bleed out of their dicks every month, give them a sore chest, headaches, bloating, excessive eating, and hormones. Then tell them that they will be squeezing huge heads out of their little penis holes. Throw in some automatic weapons and let the population dwindle. (start with old bitches, please)

Alright, I've put away the bitch personality and want to change up the tone. Thank you EVERYONE for your wonderful comments on yesterdays post. Each of you really made me smile. Well not REALLY made me smile because I still can't smile (6 weeks today) but you know what I mean.

Also, could you all bow your heads for a moment of silence in remembrance of my right foot? Four years ago today it left this earth to hopefully be in a better place. I love you foot and I hope your kicking old lady ass where ever you are!

Deep Throat of the Day: Can I plead temporary insanity?


Laurie said...

Damn, woman. I thought I was bad when I bled. You all out bitched like a motherfucker.

(pouring out some Venti White Mocha...for your foot...peace out.)

Maine said...

I'm all for excessive eating, but I can't say bleeding out of my man-cock would be worth it. How could I concentrate on the goodness of the cheeseburger if I'm wearing an absorbent condom?

Also? If men had to give birth, then suddenly OB/GYN's would stop frowning on giving c-sections to people that don't need them. Because they'd be mandatory. And the morning after pill would be sold over the counter. Because men unfairly make all the rules of medicine.

We can't cure cancer, but we've got like 8 pills that fix erections? You know what's up.

Spin_Doc1 said...

You go girl!

Randi said...

You were a good foot. I raise my coffee mug in your memory.
Hey, April, need a drink? LOL.

Grant said...

I always like starting correspondences with "To Whom It May Concern" but I was told that's too impersonal. I'm going with "Yo, Smeghead" from now on.

Ron said...

It's entries like that that make me love you even more. I am having the same morning here, even though mine is not related to a time of month. I just got done saying to my asst that I was going to end up going postal on someone today.

I hate almost everyone this morning and I'm glad to hear someone else does too.

Itchy said...

I'm not just losing the's the entire frickin' uterus, I swear. I am gonna kill someone. I'm this close to taking the ColdStone dudes hostage and making those bitches create ice cream wonderments for me the entire day while I throw balls at their heads...That may make me feel a bit better...until tomorrow.

The Lily said...

*giggle* you are funny when you are ragey.

Mmmmm coldstone. I am going to eat my LeanCuisine and then walk directly over there for lunch. I DON'T CARE THAT IT'S 30 degrees.

And you can absolutely plead temporary insanity. It's what has kept women in my family married for so long before they go through nasty divorces.

Bill said...

So umm ahhh...yeah ... hey... no bleeding please. Oddly enough it seems like old ladies are nice to younger males... so the guys would probably start with the annoying younger women... think drunk Paris Hilton... and then move one to everyone who even made a sound around them.

This means that your birthday really sucked four years ago. MAy this one be better!

A.J. said...


You're my favorite sappy, raging bitch.

Are you saying that I'm NOT supposed to be bleeding out of my penis?!?! Umm........I..I gotta see someone about that.

Miss Sassy said...

Ah, mother nature.
Its like she knew we'd fuck her over eventually and decided to torture us for procreating in advance and forevermore.

Glad I'm not the only one who uses Aunt Flo as a post topic.
I plead insanity as soon as I'm sure my boss has forgotten my name - if she does get wise, I plead PMS then insanity then 'the dog got out'. But you've got the foot thing, so I guess you don't need the dog thing.

Throwing chocolate your way, for the sap and the rage, enjoy.

Sassy One said...

Bitch on! Between old douche-bag ladies and visits from a raging aunt flo, men have no right to complain about anything. One cramp and they'd be whinning for their mommas...pussies...hmmm maybe I'm raging a bit too...better check the calendar.

Anonymous said...

i love it when you bitch.

JJ said...

The radio station thing...

Maybe they're just saying they're number one in some categrory they've failed to mention. They say, "the number one rock station." But maybe they mean, "the number one rock station on my mom's list of favorites." Or, "the number one rock station on the list of the most awful rock stations." Or even, "the number one rock station for shoplifters and juvenile delinquents."

Lisa said...

I feel ya!! I could add some shit to this but I'd take up a whole page so I'll just enjoy your "bitching". Its nice to not be the only one doing it!

dukethor said...

Well, here's a short story that might cheer you up. When I was in Basic in the Army, I was a pretty small guy, and especially in the beginning, I was close to last for everything, like running and sit-ups and stuff, and the other guys would give me a hard time about it, calling me weak and fat and such. With 2 weeks left to go, those of us getting shipped overseas had to get a second round of vaccinations, and it was time for my revenge. One of the guys that had to go was one that didn't like me very much. He was tice as big as me, and very athletic, and he was complaining the whole way over there that he didn't want to do this (he was afraid of needles).

I just started talking (I didn't even know I was saying it, and I couldn't stop), and I just started saying things like, "Well, you're sure not going to like these shots. I heard they have to use a 9 inch needle and stick it right in your dick!"

He passed out before we got there.

schmims said...

Ovaries suck ass.

Mojotek said...

I think everyone should take a shot of tequila tonight in honor of your foot!

Kira said...

Another way to have population control: let me pick out the children. Please. And then we send them overnight to any couple desiring children. It'll work. Trust me.

*bows head deeply in respect for Right Foot*

Amanda said...

The title of this blog made me smile. You see, this little song reminds me of my ex...may he rot in hell...and I needed a good laugh today. Thanks, April!!