Wednesday, February 01, 2006

Causin' confusion, disturbin' the peace

My sister's e-mail to me, sent yesterday:
Hey Sis,
How are you doing with that illness you have on your face? Is it getting any better?I haven't heard from you, dad told me that he called you because you aren't answering aunt Linda's calls and coo-coo pop-pop was asking about you. Well anyway write me back and let me know how you are and give Ethan a kiss for me. Well I'll talk to you soon,
love ya!!

My reply to my sister, also sent yesterday:

Hey Sharon!

I am doing fine. The Bell's Palsy is still here, tomorrow will be 5 weeks. I heard Dad's message, like he all cares for me or something. AFTER he sends me an email telling me he hates me forever. FUCK HIM, that over dramatic, attention whore. He can lick my ass right after I've taken a huge corn filled shit!!

So, how are you ?


Let me clarify a few things for you:
1. I have a Coo-Coo Pop-Pop because he owns a coo-coo clock. I've called him this since I was 3, so bite me bitches.

2. My Aunt Linda called me only 2 times and they were both during football. I don't answer the phone during football.

3. I forgot to call her back. But that doesn't mean that I've fallen off the face of the planet or some shit! I'm just wanting them to think of me because my birthday is in two weeks. It's an evil plan, I know. But so far it's proven to be effective.

4. My Dad is a sorry fuck who really did send me an e-mail saying, and I quote, "I HATE U 4EVER. THE END." Please notice the lack of spelling and creativity. I can think of much more hurtful ways to tell someone you hate them. I'm just an evil bitch like that.

5. I thought my response was fucking funny. I like it and I hope she shows Dad.

Please no comments about, "He's your DAD, you should love him no matter what" type bullshit. You do NOT know this man or how much he has manipulated and hurt me. He's LUCKY that I'm not speaking to him because if I were, it wouldn't be nice. There would be no "I hate you forever" pussy bullshit either. No, no. You see I am much more clever and intelligent than he and I can tear his ass to pieces with words. Fear me people, for I am preparing to bleed.

Deep Throat of the Day: Some apples do fall far from the tree. Like miles away from the tree.


schmims said...

Just becasue he's your dad (or mom), you don't have to love him. I have a similar situation with my mom. It's gotten tollerable here lately after I refused to speak to her for a year.

So are you going to go into a depression after the Super Bowl becasue you'll have to wait for fall for it to begin again?

Maine said...

It's always nice when the parent is the less mature half of the relationship.

Itchy said...

I'm sorry your face isn't better...and I'm sorry about your Dad. Some people should just never become parents...

Anonymous said...

it's a known family rule NOT to call during sporting events. AT ALL. Emergency or whatever. So, my sister had been married about three months, this is October 1996, calls my mother, sobbing:

Sister: "Mom, I'm having a life crisis."

Mom: "Not now, dear, it's the World Series." {Click}

hotdrwife said...

I'm with Itchy!!

My mom is the same way. I haven't spoken to her in quite some time. I hate - HATE! - it when people tell me "but what if she dies, you should love your mother".

I always figure if they really knew the hell I went through, they wouldn't say such stupid shit.

Oh, and Happy 30th Birthday to me.

The Lily said...

Mm. Parents are people and fallible. I am having issues with my mom so I completely understand where you are cocming from.

But your dad? He needs to be beaten. Thrice.

A.J. said...

Parents can be a pain in the ass, not mine though. My Mom was perfect and my Dad, though irritating as hell, is a good guy. I, on the other hand probably would not be a good parent. I should get a vasectomy. I'm surprised the courts haven't already ordered one for me.

Grant said...

I've been locked in an ongoing struggle to get my mother out of my life. "Never call or write me again" is apparently too subtle. I'm glad a lot of my friends don't know what an abusive relationship is like, but I also get sick of "But she's your MOM!" As if that's supposed to excuse everything.

Randi said...

3 words: corn filled shit. How do you do it, sweetie? Make me smile like you do? I have never understood why you have to love someone you're related to. It's not like you chose them...

Anonymous said...

You say pussy a lot. That's so fucking hot.

Bush Wishes,
The Lesbian Mafia - We've Got Our Fingers On the Clitoral Pulse

Kira said...

I used to work in foster care, so I am very aware that some parents need to be shot and/or sterlized for the good of mankind. Loathe him away!

Actually, the English prof in me says he should be shot for the language and lack of creativity in his email.

I remember when I got pissed at Alex's mum's boyfriend because he's so immature and a baby about a variety of things. So, I showed up in France with a pacifier and handed it to him. I thought Alex's siblings were going to DIE laughing over that one. Anyway, my point of mentioning it is that sometimes an object can replace words to get the message across :)

april said...

Schmims: I probably will go into a slight depression after the Superbowl. I need to find another sport that excites me. Any suggestions? Although Ethan starts his first year of baseball, so that can take the place of football's off season.

Maine: Less mature half is being nice.

Itchy: Thanks for your sympathy about my face, but no need to be sorry about my dad. He's was I like to call a parasite. If you know what I mean?

Soviet: Your mom rocks!!

Hottie: HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU!! I could write a novel about the shit my dad has done to me. And none of it involves any sexual abuse, he's not an ass like that.

Clairebell: I think me ignoring him is hurting him much more than any beating would.

AJ: I'm glad that you have a healthy relationship with your parents.

Grant: I knew when I wrote this that you would be the last one telling me that he's my dad and I should love him. Especially after reading about the letter from your mom.

Randi: I'm so happy that I could make you smile. Smiling is good. Soon I'll be smiling again, I hope.

Anon: Mmmmmm, fingers on my clitoral pulse sounds GOOOOD!!

Kira: You always write the perfect comments. =)

Miss Sassy said...

If you are so inclined, I would like to hear some of your rantings to your unworthy-of-your-time dad, as I have been preparing a few for the spineless passive aggressive piss ant in my life who goes by the same title.
I agree with the birthday girl - and I have thought about what would happen if he died, just to know how to respond to these sappy chaps. I mean really, these friends wouldn't ask you to stay with a boyfriend who said and did any of what fathers do these days, would they??
Seems the 24/7 feed of sports into any house with ESPN2 is reason enough to claim VERY ILL and hope they send cash for your bday rather than actual gifts =)

dukethor said...

"He's your DAD, you should love him no matter what"? Are you shitting me? Even if that was true, your response was still hilarious! My current relationships with my parents are healed and doing great, but that still doesn't mean that me (or anyone else) has the right to tell you how to treat people in YOUR life. Fuck him in the ass with a big rubber dick if you need to. :)

As far as a replacement sport, I'm in the process of writing an article of why women should be Baseball fans, because Baseball is the most sensual, feminine, and, yes, even "cuddly" sport there is. If your looking for a fantastic mataphor for great sex, Baseball is it. Just my humble opinion.

april said...

Miss Sassy: I suppose I could write some stories about what a dick my dad was/is. I have actually thought about it before, but I didn't want to bore anyone.

Dukethor: The thought of fucking my dad in the ass with a big rubber dick just made me puke in my mouth. I'd rather him eat my corn filled shit. Or I can just ignore him like I'm currently doing. I don't know that I'll ever be able to get into baseball as much as football. It's just too boring. Although I do appreciate baseball pants. Mmmmmmmmm baseball pants.

Ron said...

Personally April, I'm VERY glad my apple fell extremely far from the tree. You'll never hear me say you should be nicer to your family.

I should blog about mine, see if that pompous bitch Oprah would make it book of the month.

april said...

Ron: It's so nice to know that there are so many others who don't care for their families.

I'd be fighting you for the title of book of the month if I blogged about mine. =)

jadedprimadonna said...

My dad had Bell's Palsy, but it cleared right up w/ no problem.

I don't think you have to love a person who treats you like shit no matter what.

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