Tuesday, February 14, 2006

Jerry!! Jerry!! Jerry!!

Before I go into the post I'd like to say thank you everyone for all of your birthday wishes! MUAH!

Now on to the good shit.....WAIT, first you should know some pertinent information related to the story. My mother-in-law, V, and her husband, P, are low life, piece of shit, crackheads. I mean for real crackheads. The one's who actually smoke crack, crackheads. Ok now I'm really moving on to the story.....

Saturday night, P came to my house uninvited and drunk. He was acting like a real asshole, cursing and smoking in my house which is not allowed. I am a smoker but I don't smoke in the house because I have a child and children shouldn't be subjected to second hand smoke. Anyway, I told him that he had to leave. Which he did as he said "fuck you" about twenty times.

About 15 minutes later, P called and said that his car broke down not far from my house and asked if I could pick him up. I probably should have just told him "fuck you" and hung up, but I didn't. I'm an ass like that sometimes. So I loaded up the 3 kids that were at my house and went to get him while it was snowing. When I got there he was standing next to his car and started calling me names AGAIN and saying "fuck you" AGAIN. No big deal, I just turned around and went back home. He could stay in the fucking cold for all I care. Besides that, I had something better in mind for him.

When I got home I picked up the phone and called the sheriff's department. I told the dispatcher that I had stopped to help a man whose car had broken down and he was yelling obscenities at me while I had children in the car. I also told her that I was pretty sure he had been drinking because he was staggering all around. She told me that they'd send an officer there to check it out. Right after I hung up with her, I called P back and told him to stay by his car because I was on my way back to get him. Um, what did he say to me? Oh yeah, FUCK YOU!! Damn I love being a bitch.

Needless to say, P spent the night in the county jail. However they only got him on being drunk in public. Apparently he was in the passenger seat when the officer arrived. I was shooting for a DUI, but a night in jail and an impounded car at $90/day works for me.

Then yesterday, V and P asked to borrow my husband's truck (since their car is still impounded) so they could run some errands. Of course he wasn't going to let them borrow it because for one, it's technically his grandmother's and two, they're crackheads. Anyway, he told them that he would take them where ever they needed to go after he took Ethan to school. (school was on a 2 hour delay because of the snow) So he picked them up and brought them back to our house while he finished getting Ethan ready. About 10 minutes after they got to our house, V asked if she could take the truck to the store (3 minutes away) just to get a cup of coffee. He wasn't going to let her until he heard her telling Ethan that she would be right back and she'd get him some gummy worms. (his favorite) Reluctantly he gave her the keys.

THE BITCH NEVER CAME BACK!!!!!

Ethan never made it to school because my husband wasn't able to find anyone to give him a ride. I was LIVID!!! LIVID I SAY! The bitch wants to be a scum bag fucker, that's fine. But don't fuck with my kid and his education because you'll bring out a side of me that you don't want to see. Eventually my husband was able to get in touch with one of his friends, but it was too late for Ethan to go to school. (I would have taken him but I work over an hour away and hubby didn't want to tell me about it and ruin my birthday) So the friend took hubby to find the truck. It was parked in front of her job and P was inside with her. Hubby hopped in the truck and used the spare key to leave those fuckers stranded.

THEN the bitch had the balls to come to MY HOUSE later that evening to get her things out of the truck. She's SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO lucky I didn't feel like going to jail on my birthday because it took EVERYTHING I had in me not to fuck her ass up when I was ripping her a new asshole. Pussy ass bitch didn't say A WORD to me while I was spitting in her face and telling her what a worthless FUCK she is. No, she waited until she was in the car and backing out of my driveway before she called me a bitch.

At least she got it right. A bitch I am, and a damn good one at that.

Deep Throat of the Day: Some people truly are a waste of space.

27 comments:

Maine said...

Get out of my house, crackie!!

A.J. said...

You are a treasure, my dear. A National treasure!.....and genius at advanced level bitchery, I might add.

Laurie said...

"Get out of my house, crackie!"

I can't stop laughing at this ON TOP of your entire post!!!!

Dear God. I just wanna come visit...just for a day or two. I need me some good crackhead material.

Ron said...

oh my fucking GOD...just reading that makes me want to bitch slap your in-laws. it also reminds me of some of the worthless members of my family too. April, we need to drink together. Leave Ethan with the hubby and come up to Philly. You need a weekend with two gay men and alcohol.

pickett said...

WOW! I have heard some shitty family stories, but this one takes the cake.

Mojotek said...

The story is so much better because you started off by titling it "Jerry! Jerry! Jerry!" Wow. I would have been hard pressed to slap the shit out of that bitch too.

Itchy said...

So...they're crackheads, huh?

I'll be coming through there on Saturday...will the roads be safe?

Mojotek said...

Oh yeah... and Happy Birthday too!

Alicat said...

Wow! That's some serious bullshit. I am so glad the worst thing I have to deal with are friends who borrow a shirt and don't return it. Happy Valentine's by the way. They deserved all they had coming from you. I tell ya, I need to plan a trip out that way sometime and meet all the people out in blogland. At least your hubby is great enough not to bother you with all that crap on your bday! What a man!!!

Sassy One said...

You should right a book...I can't believe the nerve of some people.
Jerry! Jerry! Jerry!

Amanda said...

That's the best Deep Throat of the Day I've seen yet. Unfortunately, these space wasters seem to flock to me :(

Randi said...

un. bee. leave. able. oh, crack. it's terrible but you, my dear? priceless. m-wah! happy v-day. xoxo

hotdrwife said...

I ... um .... am at a loss for ... words.

I really don't even know what to say.

Well, except, "FUCKING SEA COW CRACK WHORE BEEEEYOTCH!" --- yah, I know to say that.

fyrchk said...
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fyrchk said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
fyrchk said...

That just made my day. You crack me the fuck up.

You need to learn to say, "NO!" to Sammy's crackhead family.

fyrchk said...

Sometimes I get carried away with the "return" key.

schmims said...

Well it's like they say, you can pick your nose but you can't pick your family.

That was so awesome that you called the cops on him and he had to go to jail. Does he know it was you who called him in or does he just think that the cop randomly drove by?

Lisa said...

*clapping* I wonder if they are related to the crackheads that keep fucking with me. Although, I'll have to say I can't hold my temper that well. Guess thats why I'll be in court Friday(simple assault).

I am however loving the fact that I am not the only "bitch" with anger management problems. And nothing relieves stress better than punching a fucktard in the face.

Ron: I need the same weekend!!!

Try this one: "YOU ARE A WASTE OF A GOOD FUCK; YOUR DADDY SHOULD'VE SHOT YOU ON THE WALL!"

Grant said...

I think you would be more than justified if you booted them from your life for good.

Dark Damian said...

When they get their car out, get a ping-pong ball, fill it with Drano, and force it into their gas tank. Good times.

schmims said...

I don't get the Jerry! Jerry! Jerry! part.

Kira said...

I'm going to second what Grant said. I'd also like to drive up and pick whom out of your life needs to go far, far away, then help you set up shop in a much happier situation. Oh, and introduce Ariana to her future husband, Ethan. Then I'd like to take the truck. I'll return it. I JUST WANT TO FUCKING RUN OVER SOME CRACKHEADS! Oh my god, I'm just so ANGRY after reading all of that, and there's nothing to damn well PUNCH! Let me come up and do it? Please? I think I have some time off from school in March...

Bill said...

I was watching a little CMT as I was packing to go to San Fran this weekend. I heard Toby Kieth, and he was so right...I ain't as good as I once was... Have a great weekend.

Marit said...

You are so awesome. hehe!!

Emily, your rabbit ears obviously don't pick up the Jerry Springer show or you would have go that title. GET CABLE WOMAN!

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