Thursday, February 02, 2006

They say I'm no good 'cause I'm so hood

This is now the third year that I've had the pleasure of filing my taxes "Married filing jointly." And let me tell you IT BLOWS. It also blows that since I have a job paying decent money, I don't qualify for the earned income credit. So solely for tax purposes, I've decided to make the following changes; I'm getting divorced, quitting my job to work for a low paying fast food chain, and having more babies. All of which will guarantee me a higher tax return. And maybe some free healthcare, government cheese, an Escalade with spinners, and extra money to get my hair and nails done. A bitch has to be lookin' good, especially when I'm gonna need to find me some mens to be my babies daddies. I ain't gonna get 'em with my charming personality and titanium leg, shhhit.


Yesterday it was requested that I share a rant or two about my dad. I don't really want to get into it all today so I'll leave you with just one thing that really hurt me.

When I graduated from college, it was a very important day for me. As it is for most people, but I consider this one of my biggest accomplishments to this day. Because I went to school full time, I worked full time, and I was a full time single mom. I did it ALL. BY. MYSELF. I had no family to help, even though my dad lived 15 minutes from me. But this isn't the reason why I'm mad because I believe it made me a stronger, more responsible person. What he DID do was call me up the morning of my graduation from college and tell me that he wouldn't be attending because my mom was going to be there (she made a special trip from Virginia for this). My mom, the woman he had divorced TWELVE YEARS PRIOR. In a room with a ginormous maximum capacity. On the day that the only of his 4 children was graduating college. He could not set his differences aside and be there for me.



Itchy said...

It used to kill me when I worked in the psychiatrists office and the ladies would come in with their nails done, Gucci jewelry, designer jeans and shirt, expensive purse and hand me a Medicaid card. Pissed me off - and not because of the whole "I pay taxes" thing, either. But because of my own family's situation and my friend's family's situation and the assistance we/they needed and were unable to receive. Pissed me off big see people cheating the system while my friend's Dad actually died while waiting for his benefits to be yeah, I'm with ya there.

Randi said...

Isn't it bullshit how petty actions like that can ruin a relationship? A little selflessness goes a looooooong way. You're totally justified in your anger, though. And you kick ass like a muthafucken super hero!

A.J. said...

I got this friend, see. He could hook you all up wit a new leg, see. All diamond-crusted platinum shit. then you could use the other leg to beat off all of the potential babydaddies.

Yeah, I said "beat off", hee hee hee!

Maine said...

One of my ex-girlfriends has a similar story. When she and I graduated from college, her dad flew in from Greece to be there, but refused to go and watch the ceremony because her black boyfriend was also going to be on stage and he didn't want to see him. It absolutely killed her.

Then like 2 years later I broke up with her, essentially guaranteeing myself a place in hell.

Alicat said...

I just got married last year and was trying to decide if it was a good idea to file jointly. I am still not sure what to do. I guess I can just run the numbers both ways and see what comes out better, but that seems like too much work. I was acutally surprised that my mom came to my graduation, she hates my father with a passion!

Bill said...

I get to do taxes this weekend. I'll get some money back, more will be kept by VA and Uncle Sam though.

Anonymous said...

taxes are stupid. i am getting a decent refund since i moved to texas, though. even though i am SINGLE (technically), have no babies, have no house — just me, crackhead puppy and Larry Hagman. I think the federal government and god are rewarding me for having the strength to move to texas.

Anonymous said...

Sounds like your dad sucks.

But I suck better. Promise.

Viva La 'Ginas!!

Bush Wishes,
The Lesbian Mafia - Spreadin' legs like the Moses and Red Sea.

Amanda said...

That's my new plan too! Who needs a job when we can get free fries!

Rumblin Durango said...

Hey, I know this story... Just wanted to say hi, and let ya know I'm reading some of this poopage. ;)

~ Rick

Miss Sassy said...

Yes, I can say that - thanks for the test though, its good to keep up on skills like that.

Yep. Sounds like our dads went to the ShittyDaddy convention together. Sorry to say, I have a similar yet completely opposite story - and it left me practicing your phrase for, um, well its been a few years and still right on the tip of my tounge like a native language...
I've found bitching with siblings to help, along with talking boyfriend trouble with roomies, and lots and lots and lots of beer/vodka/capn/bacardi/whatever is in the cabinet to push me right on through to "you know what? I'm a full grown woman and I don't need a dad anymore. Thanks for changing my diapers, good luck in the nursing home, buh bye."

Thats just me though.

Full time school, work, and a baby??? You are more woman than I - your drinks are on me =)

Miss Sassy said...

oh, and taxes suck.
what is with this whole 'let me take $xxx of your paycheck, then keep it for a while, then have you tell me how much too much I took, then in 7 years I'll pound you senseless for miscalculating' shit??
I went to get my personal business taxes done last year... basically if I could prove that I didn't make any money, that every penny I got was needed for a business expense, I could keep all my money I earned from my normal job and not have to pay them income tax.
I looked at the chick like "so all I have to do is always break even or loose money and you won't have me write a check to the IRS? but I have to pay you $130 to prove I didn't make any money? huh, nice system you've got here."

This year I'm claiming deductions so I can get all my money and put it in an account where ::I:: get to make the interest instead of the government. Its legal you know!!!

Kira said...


There. I bet you knew I could!

I'm the working poor. I get that earned income tax credit and crap, and it actually makes it so we eat. I'm sorry you don't qualify too. I recommend the divorce. I think that's a stellar idea. It worked wonders for me!

april said...

Itchy: You worked in a psychiatrists office? I bet that was a butt load of fun.

Randi: It is bullshit. What's even more bullshit that he, as a "proud father" (this is what he said all the time), didn't WANT to be there. I know that no matter WHAT, I will be there for every important moment in Ethan's life. Thanks man, I wish I felt like a super hero.

A.J.: If you wanna get me a pimped out, bling bling leg for my birthday, I won't object!! You've 11 days.

Maine: You at least waited 2 years, not like 2 weeks. I'm sure her racist dad was happy about the break up. What a dick.

Alicat: I left a comment for you about the tax thing on your blog. It's awesome your mom came to your graduation. I was happy to have my mom there too.

Bill: Have fun!!

Soviet: The federal government and god had better be rewarding you after all the bullshit you had to deal with Katrina.

Anon: I bet you do.

Amanda: Free fries for everyone!!! Then we could get fired and collect unemployment. Even better to suck off the government. =)

Rick: HEY THERE MR. RICARDO!! Enjoy the poopage, ya freak!

Miss Sassy: "you know what? I'm a full grown woman and I don't need a dad anymore. Thanks for changing my diapers, good luck in the nursing home, buh bye." -I LOVE THIS. I just may say this to him next time I decide to not ignore him. And thank you. It wasn't easy, but it was the best thing to do. YES, taxes do suck.

Kira: You say that sooooo good!! I was the working poor until I became the MARRIED working poor. But I shouldn't bitch about not getting the EIC because there are good, working people with great children, LIKE YOU, who deserve it more than I do. Which is why I'm not getting it. So I feel much better. Drink a bottle of coke for me when you get that tax money, please?

Jinxy said...

Gawd. This blog is horrid.

How do you get so many hits?

schmims said...

I have a similar situation but with my mom. I use her as a roll model. I look at what she does and do the exact opposite.

Full time student, full time job, full time single mom... I'm proud as hell of you April. I don't know if you read Sherri's blog at but she has a reader's poll on Monday and one of the questions this week was which blogger would you most like to meet. I picked you.

Mister Jinxy - Fuck off!

april said...

Mister Jinxy: I suppose I get so many hits because I'm great in bed. I can't help it. Or was that a rhetorical question? Oh and by the way, I wouldn't put so many pictures of yourself on your blog, because your fat and ugly. Just sayin'. Have a wonderful day!!

Schmims: Thank you SOOOOO much!! I would love to meet you too!! You are the bestest!!

jadedprimadonna said...

The government cheese is kindy moldy, but not in a good way. Be sure to avoid the government canned pork. Especially if you're pregnant. (They leave the organs on, and it will make you vomit to see it when you're pregnant. Been there. Done that. Don't wanna go back.)

I do miss the EIC though, lol.

pickett said...

Are you sure we aren't related? For a minute I thought I was reading my own story....

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