Thursday, February 09, 2006

A word to the wise

Since I'm going to be 28 on Monday, I've been thinking about how much older I'm getting. Not that 28 is OLD so to those of you who aren't in your 20's anymore, don't take offense. I'm sure when y'all reached 28 you saw 30 right around the corner and felt similar to me.

Anyway, I think that I've been through a lot for my age. Most of the experiences have made me a stronger person. Some have made me borderline crazy. Others have made me more wise. So, I'm going to share with you some of the things I've learned along the way.

  • The ass is where it's at. (see Baby Got Back & Honky Tonk Badonkadonk)

  • Love cannot fix everything wrong in a relationship.

  • Karma is a woman, and she's an EVIL BITCH! I think I love her.

  • Honesty may always be the best policy, but that policy is filled with many clauses.

  • NEVER an eye for an eye, but always a tooth for a tooth. (I've a fetish for nice teeth.)

  • There are a lot of hot doctors at teaching hospitals.

  • "D" size breasts look like shit when reduced to a "B" from weight loss.

  • Sex does not equal love nor is related to any feelings that are not physical.

  • There's no sex in the champagne room.

  • Most women get treated better by strippers than men do.

  • Faking morning sickness caused by early pregnancy will get you out of most tickets.

  • Listen more than you talk.

  • Equality cannot happen by separation.

  • There is a difference between hearing and listening.

  • The difference between a reason and an excuse lies within the person you're explaining it to.

  • Believe in things based on your own opinions, not those of others.

  • Try to see both sides of a discussion or argument.

  • When someone pisses you off, don't grab a golf club.

I have more, but I'll stop here. I'd love to hear some things that you've learned along the way.


Laurie said...

-The best french fries are the ones in the bottom of the bag.
-Compliments should be given, not begged for.
-The nicest thing you can do for me is to be honest.

Oh...and I have nice titties!


Carmela Coochie said...


I'll be honest. I'd love to suck on them titties!

Viva La 'Gina!!

Bush Wishes,
The Lesbian Mafia - Certified Muff Divers since '06!

A.J. said...

Boobs are one of God's greatest inventions.

No matter how much I know something, I might be wrong.

No matter what the situation, it's never the animal's fault.

The shortest distance between two points is a straight the opposite direction.

Trying is the first step to failure.

If the bible has taught us nothing else, and it hasn't, it's that girls should stick to girl sports like hot oil wrestling and Foxy boxing, and such n' such.

Itchy said...

I've learned that if I can't be happy by myself, then I'm not really happy. I don't need anyone else to make me happy...

Other than that, I know a lot of things but I haven't really learned them because I still get my feelings hurt over the stupidity of others even though I know I shouldn't...

Randi said...

You can't love anyone if you don't love yourself. And just because you are one way doesn't mean others will be that way in return. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. You can't fake chemistry.... so so many. I'm just finishing 28 and it's not as bad as it seems... it's actually a good time so enjoy the ride.

Alicat said...

Something I learned yesterday: no matter how bad you want to do something, sometimes it just dosen't work out. My father says its because everything happens for a reason. Not sure if I believe that but whatever. By the way, I haven't been around for a while and I love the new look. That gorilla is some funny shit!

Maine said...

-Most people really, honestly don't give a shit. Accept it now.

-If you want friends, be a friend.

-Some people simply need drama to live. These people are best avoided.

-Nothing is worth being unhappy.

-You cannot make a relationship work unless you're willing to improve yourself every single day.

-No human being is more important than another. With no exceptions.

Coley said...

"When someone pisses you off, don't grab a golf club." Definitely, baseball bats have a much better weight in the hand.
Only kidding.

Glad all you older folks (*zing) can bestow some wisdom on the younguns like me.

Mojotek said...

The ass is where it's at. (see Baby Got Back & Honky Tonk Badonkadonk)

You said it sister...

Dark Damian said...

-The myth about black men is 100% true. Holla.

Miss Sassy said...

- Be kind to yourself and others will follow your lead.

- It really is about the little things. if you forget to smile all day, even the good stuff looks lame. take every opportunity to sniff the roses, smile at blog posts, and enjoy the morning snack; stress will be there when your done.

- Its work if you treat it that way. Otherwise its what you choose to do all day.

- Everything you learned in kindergarden still applies. Get back to basics. Cry when you want to, laugh when you feel like it, find a carpet square midday, and smack the jackhole who gets your panties in a wad where he can feel it then put on the batting eyelashes and make it his fault.

- Do it for you; its your life. If they notice, its only because they want to see what it means to them in THEIR life.

- Men don't change. Allow them to be constant while you flipflop from manic to depressive. Don't think they do the same.

- You fill your own cup - why stop at half way?

- Shit happens. Bring air freshener.

There is more, but I feel sap coming on...

Anonymous said...

I'm almost 33... i've learned that I still like cartoons.

Ron said...

Ive tried to think of something deep and meaningful but I can't and I guess it's because I just turned 36 and 40 is right around the corner.

That being said, the only thing I can come up with is

1. All men, gay or straight love boobs, and that's one of the reasons I think April is awesome. She has NICE ones!! (Although my fag hag told me today not to get too close...she's jealous of you April!!)

2. Farts have always been and always will be...damn funny!

fyrchk said...

I can't think of a single fucking one because I am laughing my ass off at the golf club one.

schmims said...

i just turned 28 in October and I definately feel like 30 is right around the corner, as if I'm just going to skip over 29 and head straight to 30. But you're only as old as you act.

Things I've learned...
* If you don't like what you're doing, do something else. Life is to short to spend your days doing something you're not happy with.
* Girl friends are the most valuable resource there is.
* You find out who your true friends are when you're going through the tough times, not the good.
* The toilet paper holder is a public restroom does not serve dual purpose as a beer holder.
* Bad drivers are everywhere, not just in your city.

dukethor said...

There isn't a whole lot I've learned that hasn't already ben said, but let me see if I can find something.

- Never judge a book by it's cover, because books are dumb.

- The chick in the commercials is a dirty whore.

Sorry, that's all I got.

Bill said...

If you want compassion, don't go to the DMV. When your phone isn't working, the inside guy and outside guy will both point at the other and say it is his problem to deal with and customer service in India just doesn't care.

Is it tomorrow yet, I want a drink or several.

The Lily said...

28. Hm. Poor you. ;) But awesome list.

When someone pisses you off, don't grab a golf club. grab a baseball bat.

Believe in things based on your own opinions, not those of others. Amen. Because then you will know the character of those who try their damndest to change yours.

And add: trust your fucking gut, it's always right. Or at least closer to correct than you you think.

- If he acts shady, and you feel like he is shady, and you have to rationalize his behavior, then he's shady. Run, do not walk.

The Lily said...

and read comments before you post. A rule I should have followed today.

Kira said...

Whomever stated that love means never having to say your sorry should be bitch slapped, alongside the one who said love conquors all. Love does NOT exorcise satan out of a crazy husband. Trust me on this.

Other things that get you out of speeding tickets: a) sobbing like a baby and b) cleavage shirts.

Here's an essential: don't fry bacon nude. me on that one.

Amanda said...

Real friends are the ones who are serious when they offer to bury a body for you.

Boobs can get you in or out of any situation.

Men who live with their parents, do not have a legitimate job, and/or have a thing for teens should be avoided like the plague.

Oh, and to add to Kira's comment: Never fry chicken nude.