Wednesday, March 29, 2006

He asked me

I was going to dedicate my Wednesday's posts to a fun game of word association. I tried to play the game with Bill yesterday, but I had to cut the session short. Maybe next week I'll start the tradition. Until then, Maine came up with the idea of interviewing me. He claimed that it would be a great post, but I'll let y'all be the judge of that. Maine's questions will be in purple and my responses will be in red. Here we go...................

Thanks for sitting down with me today, April. (I sit down all fucking day, sheesh) Let's start with an easy one. You get to rub genitals with one celebrity. Is it Matt McConaughey or is it Angelina Jolie? And why?

WOW, you're a bastard for making me choose. Hmmmmm, I would say Angelina. Although I LOVE Matthew and would REALLY love to rub my genitals (or play hide-n-seek) with his, having the opportunity to be with a woman as stunning as Angelina would be a once in a lifetime thing. My hands are trembling at the mere thought of being able to touch her breasts. And those kiss them would give me that warm, tingly feeling that makes my panties wet. Excuse me while I um........make a quick trip to the restroom.

Next question. It's a well known fact that your right foot has been living in heaven for close to four years now. Do you happen to know whose asses it has kicked for you while it's been up there? Have you gotten any reports?

Ok, I'm back. I only know of a few asses that it's kicked. Ironically, all the asses belonged to the Football Gods. Other than that all the asses that DESERVE to be kicked didn't make it to heaven.

What's the square root of 289? I'm curious.

The calculator told me to tell you the answer is 17. What? I'm not a fucking math genius! Shit.

You come home one day and find your husband making disgusting, disgusting love to your co-worker, The CowPig, on the couch. What's your initial reaction? Anger? Shock? Projectile vomiting? And, really, where do you go from there? How long before you're drunk?

My initial reaction would be to laugh my ass off. Why? Because it would be FUNNY. If he wanted THAT, he could HAVE IT. And I certainly wouldn't want him after his stuck his baster in that turkey. Drunk? No need to drown sorrows that I don't have. Besides, that would be an easy out for me, I couldn't get that lucky.

Here's a question I ask everyone I meet. Bacon or sausage?

Bacon, of course.

If I drive you to crackhouse in Detroit and tell you that you have to live there for three months, what items would you need to take with you? And how long do you think it would be before you ran into one of your in-laws?

I would take my bathroom essentials (including toothbrush and toothpaste)
Clothes (don't EVER get naked around crackheads)
Food (I'm certain that there's not too much of it found in a crackhouse)
A gun with an unlimited supply of bullets (better to shoot them with when they come asking to borrow my TV) "Craig, can I borrow your tv?" <-famous line from a movie

If I didn't run into my in-laws right away, I'd see them on America's Most Wanted.

Do you find balding, married men named after New England states to be at all attractive? Speaking hypothetically, of course.

Of course. Only if his name is Massachusetts or Connecticut.

Last question. You get to trade your car in for one of the following vehicles. Which do you choose, and why? A grizzly bear with a saddle, a rickshaw being pulled by two sexy male models or a 1978 Gremlin with a mismatched door but with a brand new slant 6 engine under the hood.

Now Maine, you KNOW I like to drive at warp speed and you KNOW I'd like me some sexy male models. So this question SUCKS!! If I HAD to choose, it would be the Gremlin with the male models IN the car.

Deep Throat of the Day: Bacon or Sausage?


Grant said...

Bacon or sausage? Miso soup. Preferably served by my dentist.

nicole said...

Hey April. Before I even read this post, I must inform you that...YOU'VE BEEN TAGGED!!!

Please don't hate me!

nicole said...

Oh geez. I just realize that this POST is a meme of sorts. Now you're REALLY gonna hate me! :-O

NWJR said...

You get to rub genitals with one celebrity. Is it Matt McConaughey or is it Angelina Jolie? And why?

Niether. I'm holding out for Catherine Zeta-Jones. :-)

Ashburnite said...

Haha.... "stuck his baster in that turkey." fucking hilarious. Mind if I use that one?

Amanda said...

Good thing you picked Angelina...I'm keeping Matthew busy these days

Ev said...

Bacon OR sausage?

Why not both? It's fattilicious!

Maine said...

You know... you can wrap sausage in bacon.

juicya said...

I was thinking "sausage stuffed bacon". Damn Im hungry now.

The Lily said...

It depends on either, I am really picky about my pork by products.

Coley said...

"better butter up that bacon, and bacon up that sausage". Le sigh. Now I'm hungry.
And kudos to you for keeping up with the dental hygiene while living with Crackies. I hear Angelina is all about nice teeth.

mikey said...

Bacon. Sausage is good, but there's just no substitute for bacon.

Randi said...

you are 2 wild and crazy kids.

Jolie said...

Oh nooooo, now I am all upset that your other post that I commented on was about Angelina Jolie and not me!!! ;p I'll still read you though because I love the gorilla straining on the toilet *heh*

Bacon and sausage are both gross, greasy and heartburn making crap. How bout a nice slice of lean turkey breast instead??

Mojotek said...

Does anyone have enough artistic ability to draw an accurate representation of April rubbing genitals with Angelina Jolie? You know... just cause, I.... uh, can't really get a good picture in my head at the moment.

Serious offers only. Email me at: and we can work out some kind of fee schedule.

A.J. said...

We're in America, we don't HAVE to choose!

I have more than enough artistic ability to do that portrait. The important question is, do you want a full-figure portrait or just a detail of the "genital rub"?

I got the picture in my head, and it's just nifty!

Lisa said...

I'm still picturing Angelina so I'll return later to finish the rest!

Dark Damian said...

If you slice bacon thick enough, it'll look like sausage. Bacon all the way.

Mmmm...Angelina Jolie wrapped in bacon...

fyrchk said...


(Like the Beggin' Strips commercial.)

Alicat said...

Bacon. I have this strange issue with ating things that have been in a casing. I call the little linkish sausage puppy logs. Sorry if that just made you want to never eat sausage again. In truth I won't even eat turkey sausage although I have tried it.

april said...

Grant: I wanna see pictures of this dentist of yours.

Nicole: Hate you? I could NEVER!!

NWJR: VERY good choice. She's very classically beautiful.

Ashburnite: Sure, you can use it anytime you'd like.

Amanda: So YOU'RE the reason I haven't been hearing from him lately. You naughty girl!

Ev: Both will work, but I HAD to choose. So I went with the better of the 2.

Maine: Yes, but you didn't give me that option, now DID YOU?

Juicya: Sausage stuffed bacon?? Sounds appetizing.

CB: Calling it what it is, pork by products, makes it less desirable for me. That's ok though because who needs the fat and cholesterol, right?

Coley: Clean teeth are a MUST!! I can't stand nasty teeth on anyone let alone myself. Makes me wanna puke.

Mikey: My thoughts EXACTLY!!


Jolie: I'm so sorry to disappoint you. But listen, I'm not one to discrminate. Bring your ass on over here and we can rub genitals too. =) Mmmmm turkey. I'll take a slice of that too.

Mojo: Please see A.J.'s offer. He's an artist. Like a REAL artist who gets paid for his paintings.

A.J.: Nifty? I thought only the elderly used that word.

Lisa: She IS sexy, isn't she?

DD: You'd better get your thoughts and bacon off my bitch!!

Frychk: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!! Now I've got something to do around the office.

Alicat: I never realized that the casing was actually intestines, until I saw The Simple Life. I haven't eaten a sausage link since. Even though I'm sure there's worse things in sausage, I haven't seen what actually goes in it. BLAH!!

Spin_Doc1 said...

Where did he come up with the crackhouse question? That is great. I wonder how long I would have to stay in one to run across someone I know, hum, I see a experiment in this one!

Cowgirl said...


Send Matt my way, k?

I wish I had a cool name like The Pickle Nazi. lol

schmims said...

That was definately funny. Why do I always end up being last? And as for bacon or sausage, neither.

Sassy One said...

Mmmmm Angelina....I think I need a minute too, it's getting a little misty down there.

Anonymous said...

Cool blog, interesting information... Keep it UP Tattoo removal clinic Aleve for back pain relief Prozac pupil dilation Prozac pharmacie Buy odol diazepam online soma Order uk xenical adipex diet pill spuer 7 winning numbers internet software Bouquet of flower Consumersearch com www computers scanners paxil Eye hemorrhage paxil Lexapro drug test Gmc custom Fiat 126p tapety Redlands lawn and tennis club Bad vardenafil prozac tornado cordless vacuum

Anonymous said...

Enjoyed a lot! » »