Tuesday, March 21, 2006

Let it burn, baby.

My legs, ass, and lower back muscles are killing me. It's not from working out. It's not from crazy sex. You probably couldn't even guess why my muscles are aching so badly. Lucky for you, I'm going to tell ya. I know that you're just DYING to know the reason, right? Good.

Yesterday evening I stopped to use the restroom before I left work. I have an hour long commute, so emptying my bladder before I leave is necessary. I get in my squat position, take care of my business, then realize that there's no fucking toilet paper. Just my damn luck. So there I was in the bathroom all by myself just hoping that someone would come in soon. (there's 2 stalls) Now let me tell you that hovering over a toilet isn't the easiest task in the world (right ladies?), let alone having an artificial leg as one of your "posts." After a few minutes (probably 30 seconds, but it felt longer) I felt my calf (singular) starting to burn. So I said in a normal talking volume, "Hello." Hoping that I'd catch someone's attention who might just be walking by the bathroom door at that exact moment. (see: dumbass) Needless to say, no one came to my rescue.

Then I my thighs were on fire and my lower back felt like it was being stretched for miles. So I thought, fuck this!! I yelled, "HEEEELLLLLLOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! SOMEONE PLEASE GET ME TOILET PAPER!!! HEEEEELLLLOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Finally someone heard me and came in to give me some toilet paper. Any other time, you've gotta wait to use the toilet, but when I'm in there straining all of my out of shape muscles in deperate need of toilet paper, no one is to be found. Fucking bitches.

It's a conspiracy, I tell you. I know they were plotting this all day. "Let's wait until she uses the bathroom before she leaves and take all of the toilet paper." Don't worry, I'll get my revenge. I'm going to hide the air freshener can when my IBS kicks in. That'll teach 'em!!

Deep Throat of the Day: After Cheney's "hunting accident" am I the only one who laughs when I see the SPORTSMEN FOR BUSH bumper sticker?

15 comments:

Maine said...

I can't relate.

But I do like stickers that say "________ For Bush" because, you know, most people like it a little trimmed up.

The Soviet said...

trim is definitely the way to go.

april said...

Maine: See what you've started!! Now the comment section is going to be about shaved genitals. Which are very nice, by the way. =)

Soviet: I agree completely!!

fyrchk said...

Why didn't you check before you emptied?

I always loved going to the bathroom when you were in there cause you would talk to yourself. And other people get all quiet when they're pooping and try to hold it. I'd stay longer just to fuck with them. :)

Miss Sassy said...

I have a poster in my room titled "Lifes Little Lessons v.2".
About half way down, right after "don't eat anyones meatloaf but your moms" is "always check before sitting down".
I'll send you a copy, huh??

I bet its nice to feel the burn somewhere besides your cornhole while in the john though.

(notice how I didn't go straight to talking about how I like my current peach fuzzed pube state?? I got your back =) )

The Lily said...

Senor C puts the seat down but doesn't replace the empty roll of TP. I would much rather he do that then lower the seat.

april said...

Fyrchk: "Why didn't you check before you emptied?" Because I'm a dumbass. Don't you know this by now??

Miss Sassy: See above comment as to why I didn't check before sitting down. Ahhh, I'll learn one of these days.

CB: Sammy puts the seat down AND changes the roll of TP. But he's weird about which way that paper goes so I leave the tp changing to him. Because I don't give a shit which way it is on the roll as long as there is some and I can use it.

Kira said...

My mom used to be so paranoid about this issue that she always had a portable kleenex packet in her purse, and she never went into the potty without her purse (public potty, that is).

If it was just number one, it would have been a great time to be a guy and just shake it. However, number two definitely requires a shout and hollar for more TP. I do the squat method too, but only if doing number one. Number two requires a lining of toilet paper on the seat so I can sit, and therefore I'm always assured that I've checked before dumping.

Since we now have become way more acquainted with my genitalia and bowel functions than we have ever wanted, I'll add that I started out shaving just half because it was less messy during that time of the month. Then I realized it looked like I had a mustache. So, naturally, now I just shave it all off. It's easier to deal with that way. And then Alex doesn't have to pick the hair out of his teeth, either.

Yeah, I've gone WAY OVER the sharing barrier here! Anything else you'd like to know about me? Anyone? Haha!

Dark Damian said...

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

wait...

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

I'm spent. Thank you.

Randi said...

I guess you know you're not in California when you start seeing SPORTSMEN FOR BUSH stickers. Yowzas. That is a terrifying declaration.

Sassy One said...

Drip drying was not an option? Ewww I sicked myself out...

Mojotek said...

I had that problem once... except it was poo, and I was yelling for someone to get a janitor and a roll of Bounty paper towels.

JJ said...

I never have that problem....
I don't pee or poo or fart. I'm a fucking robot.

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