Thursday, March 16, 2006

Sexcapades

I had an urge to talk about sex today. Not sure WHY, but I'm going to act on it. I encourage you all to do the same in the comments.

The following stories are from experiences I had with my ex-boyfriend, Tim.

  • After Tim and I had moved in together, we went to his parents house for dinner one night. Being the daring sex goddess that I am, I hinted around to Tim that I wanted to have a quickie in the bathroom. Of course he agreed, because it's SEX for shits sake. So, I get up and go to the bathroom first, and he followed a few minutes later. As soon as he walked in, it was on. (it was supposed to be a quickie, remember?) The only problem was that I jumped on him as soon as he walked in the door, so we forgot to lock it. Oh yeah, his grandmother walked on in thinking that no one was there. Here I was propped up on the bathroom counter with my legs spread-eagle and Tim bear-assed doing the deed. His grandmother's face turned BRIGHT RED and she quickly shut the door. We both got the "shame on you" looks when we got back to the dinner table.


  • Tim had one of those old video camera's that used the VHS tape to record on. We decided that we were going to be porn stars and make a tape. Only we didn't have anyone to be our cameraman, so Tim decided to try and do it himself. While in the doggy-style position , he was filming when he dropped the fucking camera right on my ass/lower back. It hurt my tailbone SO BAD that I immediately was squealing with tears pouring down my face. I swore he broke that bitch (my ass not the camera). So the next day it felt much worse and I decided that it was necessary for me to go to the doctor. The doctor was my regular physician and knew me well, so when she asked me what happened and I told her that I fell, she didn't believe me. She looked at me and said, "April, I KNOW that this horrible bruise is NOT the result of a fall. Is your boyfriend hitting you?" GOOD GOD!! I'm such a horrible liar. So I looked at her and said, "He accidentally dropped a video camera on it." The discussion ended right there and she sent me for x-rays. (my tailbone was not broken, in case you were wondering.)


  • And to end my sexcapades for the day......Tim worked on a really nice golf course located within an upscale, gated community. One night I met him there so we could have a drink in the clubhouse, and I thought it would be fun to have sex on the golf course. (see daring sex goddess, again) So we hopped on a golf cart and drove around until we found a spot that Tim *thought* would be safe from getting caught. I was conveniently wearing a skirt with no panties because I did have an ulterior motive behind just meeting for drinks. Anyway, I was sitting on Tim's lap facing away from him, justa bouncin' up and down like he was an ass trampoline when here comes one of the residents walking his dog.

    Guy: "Timmy is that you?"
    Tim: "Hi Mr. Spinosi. How are you tonight?"

    HOLY FUCKING SHIT!! I just stayed sitting on Tim's weener because I didn't know what else to do. Luckily I was able to pull my skirt down over my thighs enough that Mr. Spinosi couldn't see my pretty kitty. THEN he stayed there and talked to us for what seemed to be FOREVER! Well Tim's dick wasn't going to stay hard while he was talking to some old man, and I felt it starting to slide out. So I kept trying to kegel, WHILE HAVING A CONVERSATION, to keep it hard. It didn't work. Not only did it come out, but my vagina farted when it did. I QUEEFED!!!! Do you know how embarrassing that was? I couldn't even laugh. Thank goodness no one said anything about it at the time because I would've DIED!!

    The ironic part of that whole story is that I ended up dating Mr. Spinosi's son briefly. And NO, we didn't have sex on a golf cart, or at all for that matter.


  • Deep Throat of the Day: TMI??

    ADD ON: Since I'm talking about sex and sex involves dicks, there's a GREAT post over at Belle of the Brawl talking about circumcision. If you have time, it's worth checking it out. Have a great day!

    27 comments:

    Maine said...

    You're a whore.

    (I'm kidding, obviously.)

    I love a good queaf. It's nature's way of saying, "Look, sex queens, you may think you're all that and all, but at the end of the day, your vaginas fart too. Here's to a sense of humor."

    april said...

    You weren't calling me a whore when you were hittin' it last night!!

    (I'm kidding, obviously)

    Maine said...

    Actually? I was calling you a whore. You didn't hear that part?

    I also figured writing "SLUT" backward on your forehead so you could read it in the mirror while I dog-tapped you would be a hint.

    (Obviously... I, too, am kidding.)

    Itchy said...

    I think you are both whores...

    not kidding.

    not at all.

    OK yes I am.

    And the queef is gold...not when it happens to me, since it actually never has...but it's gold. Embarrassing gold...

    Mojotek said...

    Whhoooooo... whooooooo.... hooooooooo... (stops to catch breath)

    The golf cart story had me laughing out loud. "Bouncing up and down on him like he was an ass trampoline." That's some classic shit.

    Cowgirl said...

    After reading your comments at "Belle of the Brawl" I just had to come over here to see your blog.

    I absolutely HATE getting caught. It is the most embarrasing thing. Yet so funny.

    Alicat said...

    Holy shit April, that was so funny. I wish I had some good stories for you but alas, none of mine are that good (funny I mean).

    Randi said...

    Um, I finally got sex on Monday after a 7 month dry spell? Does that count? YAY FOR ME!

    april said...

    Maine: you must be thinking about one of your other sluts!!

    Itchy: I thought the queef was platinum?

    Mojotek: I'm so glad that I could entertain you. I'll be here all week.......

    Cowgirl: THANKS FOR COMING OVER!!! Yes getting caught is horribly funny. Especially when you queef...

    Alicat: You can't hold out on us because you don't think they're funny!!! Share them bitches.

    Randi: HELL YEAH THAT COUNTS!! And I'm dancing in my chair for you right now. Go Randi, Go Randi, Go Randi, Go Randi!!!!!

    Laurie said...

    *popping head in door, raising hand*

    Did someone call for a whore?!?

    Focus:
    April, my girl, you have outdone yourself with this post. I swear to GOD it takes a lot to make me laugh and I had my face in my hands and I was dying! The video camera! Holy Shit!

    Love you, whore.

    fyrchk said...

    I'm laughing my ass off right now. Seriously. Remember when I would go for long lunches with Matt? Yeah, we were fucking. And got caught. So, that was awesome.

    Kira said...

    Any girl who gets jizzom in her eye, making it look like pink eye, AND!!! in her same incarnation!!! gets a video camera dropped on her back during porno filming, has all my love. I heart you, April! And yes, I will share Angelina with you for sure now.

    I have a strange facination for having sex outside of the house/bedroom. You'd think, therefore, that I'd have more "CAUGHT!" tales, but I really don't. Obviously you understand the appeal, all things considered. I think...I think what it says to me is, "You're SO hot that I couldn't POSSIBLY wait until we're home. I had to have you NOW!!!" Well, that and I'm always horny. Details, details.

    One day I'll write a book... said...

    Give you one guess as to why I was late for work this morning. :)

    Bill said...

    BAck in the day, well just after I graduated from college. I dated this girl of rather loose morals. We had the inevitable bad breakup. One night she came into my parents' bar while I was working. She was there late with her mom. At closing time, I said I needed to talk with the ex. So she stayed. I locked the door, walked over grabbed her by the hair started kissing her and edging her towards the pool table. She was hesitant to do it there and asked, "What if someone comes to the door?" Without hesitation I answered, "They'll get a good show." After we finished she left and went home to see her boyfriend and eventual husband.

    Macca said...

    I have never been caught, but i have had sex in all sorts of odd places. The skirt with no panties is a favorite. Worked well when I had sex with my girlfriend on top of a walkway that went over a 6 lane highway. I was behind her and she was leaning on the rail enjoying the view, and enjoying being screwed in front of hundreds of people who could only see for a second that she was getting nailed.

    Lisa said...

    April, darling, you are definetly my hero. I keep telling you that it is amazing that we are so much alike. I have several sex stories I could share, but the most recent was last summer. Hubby and I had been to a music festival all day jamming out and of course drinking much BEER. Anywho, we left and headed home before dark. I get to feelin frisky in the car so I strip. Now, mind you that we are on a 4 lane hwy. SO, after a little 4play I climb on top of him, WHILE HE IS DRIVING. Legs wrapped around the seat, holding on to the headrest for dear life, and damn near knocking myself unconcious from banging the top of the fucking car. A good five minutes into it, Hubby yells OH SHIT! I looked out the passenger window and there right beside us with his window down, staring over his sunglasses is a STATE TROOPER!!! I thought I would die. I eased off his lap, climbed back into my seat, grabbed my shirt and put my seatbelt on. Of course he pulls us over. After finding out our ages and that we are married with children, he gives us this shit eating grin and says he would give us a ticket but he'd rather not discuss this in court. I could have died!

    april said...

    Laurie: C'mon down, my fellow whore!! All are welcome here.

    Fyrchk: YES I REMEMBER!! I remember being jealous that you were gettin' some lunch dick and I wasn't! Ya whore!! =)

    Kira: I heart you too!!

    Schmims: YAY for being late!! And lucky you getting morning sex. That's my FAVORITE!!

    Bill: I can honestly say, I'M SHOCKED!! I didn't know you had that side of you.

    Macca: THAT'S FUCKING HOT!! HOT I SAY!! I knew I called you a supah sexy stud for a reason. HOT!!!!

    Lisa: What an awesome story!!! I've done the sex thing while driving, but never got caught.......YET!!

    Coley said...

    Oy to the getting caught. It's always horrible in the moment, but about 15 minutes later becomes the funniest thing in the world. The few times I've been walked in on were in college (gotta love dorm-living), and both times, my ass is the first thing seen. (Obviously because it was up in the air).
    My favorite involved the guys roommate walking in, checking the view, then immediately leaving the room.
    Months later the roommate and I hung out at a party my boyfriend (not the guy I got caught with) was throwing. We ended the night playing one of those terrible drinking games, where "Drink if you've seen Coley naked" was one of the prompts. The roommate who walked in, looks at me, and shrugs, then downs his glass. That wasn't the awkward part, about 9 other people also drank on that one.
    Some say I'm an exhibitionist. I say I'm just a slut.
    Mmmm. Slutty sex.

    april said...

    Coley: Slut, whore, it's all welcome here!! Besides, what guy doesn't want a slut in the bedroom??

    The Soviet said...

    omg, i have always wanted to do it in my in-laws bathroom.

    Frankie B said...

    OMG,
    This entire conversation is the funniest thing I've ever read. I am LMAO bigtime right now.

    I got caught too many times to tell,
    however the best time was when I was in High School (we had one of those Distributive Education Classes which if you tested well they would send you to regional and state competitions, think 150 juniors and seniors unleashed for 3 days without parents at a hotel)
    I was on the football team in HS and horny as shit all the time I hooked up with a girl from another H/S and we went at it like rabbits in my LOCKED hotel room.
    (there was 1 problem tho)

    the distributive ed teacher (who coincidentally was also the cheerleading coach) had a passkey to ALL the rooms so she could pass out meal tickets and in case of emergencies. Well we hear the knock, decide to ignore it and the next thing I know in walks the teacher/cheerleader coach along with a few of the cheerleaders passing out meal tickets.....

    There was a thinly veiled refference to it in the High School yearbook, so its saved for posterity.

    On the bright side, I did get dates with a lot of the cheerleaders that year.

    212designs said...

    HA HA HA HAHAHAHA

    i don't fel so bad now,..

    thank you!

    Amanda said...

    April, you've got me reminiscing (and laughing my ass off). I'm not sure which is more fun to remember though: sex in public or getting caught.

    NWJR said...

    "Ass Trampoline"

    That's the funniest damn thing I've read in ages.

    You don't want to hear my stories. Trust me.

    Good stuff.

    nicole said...

    Dude, I'm not even able to get past the first story. That is SO mortifying!!!

    Made for a hilarious post, though. :)

    Debbie said...

    I took a sip of water before reading this story and when I got to the golf course story, I shot out of my nose. I am laughing so hard I hurt.

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