Wednesday, March 22, 2006

Someone needs a dick slap

I'm so fucking irritated today that everything is getting on my nerves. And by everything, I mean EVERYTHING. At this very moment, panty lines seem to be the culprit. (only the panty lines of the women I work with) I'm so fucking tired of seeing bitches granny panty, panty lines. Do these assholes not realize that thongs were invented? Not only do they prevent overly irritated douche bags, such as myself, from being annoyed, but men think they're sexy too. Nobody wants to see your ass cheeks puffing out on the outside of the elastic. If you bought underwear that fit, your ass wouldn't look like a biscuit can that just popped open.

I know that there are women who have hair on their upper lip. I know that this can't be avoided due to genetics and what not. HOWEVER, I also know that you can properly maintain that shit. Fucking wax it, shave it, pluck it, dye it, run a lawn mower over that shit if you have to, but FUCK don't leave it there and expect people to NOT stare at that shit. Do they not have mirrors? Fucking nasty.

Can someone please tell me how someone's pubic hair can grow to be at least 4 inches? THAT'S what was on the fucking toilet seat this morning when I got to work. All curly and nasty just hanging out on the seat like it was happy to get away from the snatch. I'd hate to be the one having to put my face down there. I mean come on, if you're not going to shave it, at least trim it. Show some consideration for others for shits sake. Although I'd rather it be on the toiletseat than in my bag of sunflower seeds, right Laurie?

I wanna know who the fucking asshole was to determine when the first day of Spring was? Thirty fucking degrees and snow IS NOT Spring. Cocksucker.

The bitch in the minivan who I followed a good portion of my commute had Snow White on the tv for the kids in the back. SNOW FUCKING WHITE!! If people are going to HAVE to watch the tv when they're behind her, she could at least have the decency to put something entertaining on. Like porn. And none of that 70's shit either because those bitches didn't trim their shit and I've seen enough 4 inch pubes to last me a lifetime. Give me some good, girl on girl action with freshly shaved pretty kitties. Then I'd have something to masturbate to while I'm stuck in traffic. Snow White and her ugly little dwarves just don't cut it in the turn on department, ya know? What about the kids, you're thinking? Blind fold those little bastards.

I'm done for now. Sorry for subjecting you to my irrational bitchiness.

Deep Throat of the Day: Am I REALLY being THAT irrational?


Laurie said...

Why you gotta bring up the past?????? WHY?

Like I NEEDED a reminder of the pube that I almost ate.

I like Irrational April. She's cool.

Coley said...

Ahhh, the days when nothing is good. I have those constantly. One of my coworkers consistently has cold sores on her mouth, and I find myself staring pointedly at it thinking only "herpes, herpes, herpes" while she talks to me.

It's days like that you need a large stick. Not for beating people, but for poking them out of your face while screaming "Go on and git!!"

And I hate any ass that MUST watch tv in the car. I know driving is boring, but jeeez, get over it. Your child will not die if they are left to entertain themselves for a few hours.

Ok, apparently I'm irrationally bitchy as well. Glad to at least be in good company.

Amanda said...

"If you bought underwear that fit, your ass wouldn't look like a biscuit can that just popped open."

This shit is classic! I think I like Irrational April too.

Ron said...

and THAT Ladies and Gentlemen is why I LOVE April. I think that we've been reading each others blogs enough that we have synced up. (you know that does happen sometimes)

The same rule applies to men about grooming that area. Although I would never shave all the way down, I make sure that I manscape on a regular basis. Besides have you ever heard the saying, "if you trim the bushes, the house looks bigger"?

April your lesbionic tendencies are getting more and more pronounced. Your hubbie should either be worried or kind of turned on.

Keep up the irrationality - I love you ever more for it!

A.J. said...

Angry irrational April..............that's my brand o' honey!

Oh, and when it comes to pubes, I trim mine to look like a bonsai tree.

Itchy said...

I would just like to add that men that don't trim their nails should stay home...and don't come around me - ever. And if they don't want to trim least make them clean.

So people just need to get everything generally neat and trimmed: pubes, unwanted facial hair, nails...all of it. Trimmed.

Bill said...

Hi April,
I stopped into an internet cafe on vacation and thopught I would stop by. I won't go into the weather here... But my luggage made it to me monday night after a saturday flight.

Hope it gets better. Unitl next week

april said...

Laurie: I gotta bring up the past because you made fun of my BUYAH!! You amputeeist!! =)

Coley: If I brought a stick to work with me, I'd not only be fired, but in jail.

Amanda: I don't know about that comment being classic, but it's sure as hell TRUE!!

Ron: Awww, well I'm glad that you love my bad side. Someone has to, right. As for the lesbionic tendencies, he should be both!

A.J.: Bonsai tree, really? I'd like to see a picture of that....

Itchy: Yes dirty long fingernails are disgusting. I think that being trimmed should be a law in all states.

april said...

HI BILL!!!! I hope you're having fun in Honduras learning to dive. Thanks for stopping by and enjoy your vacation!

Alicat said...

What really bothers me the most is when guys don't realize they have a shrub growing out of their nose. What gets me is how do they not notice? Or is it that they want people to stare and wonder how often the little critters try to escape the dense forest?

I guess this could go for girls as well but I really have never seen a woman with a nose hair problem. For women the neck hair thing is bad. Like long hairs that grow in under the chin. My husband had this roommate that dated this girl who had like a billy goat beard growing. I don't know what I said but the next time I saw her it was gone. EW EW EW!

As far as being irrational, whatever dude. Things that piss us off must be discussed or risk freaking out on someone when you don't mean to, right?

Anonymous said...

I am going to dick slap yo face if you don't cheer up. ;)

Moxie Muffdiver said...

Mmmmmmm....I'd like to watch porn with you. Only if it involves your face in my snatch!!!

Viva La 'Gina!!!
Moxie Muffdiver
The Lesbian Mafia

Trimmin' all KINDS of bush since '05

Maine said...

I'm just wondering what kind of parachute Cowpig must be wearing if its big enough to make panty lines.

JJ said...

Yay for trimming. Yay for shaving. Yay for a nice clean look.

No more 4" pubes. Ever.

april said...

Alicat: How does a bitch NOT know that she's got a fucking beard?? I don't get it.

Macca: And THAT is a reason for me to STOP???? yeah, right. let the slapping begin, bitch!

Moxie: Oh it'll involve a lot more than that.......

Maine: I just threw up in my mouth.

JJ: You've got a freshly shaved head too, so you should be all trimmed everywhere, eh?

Johnboy said...

I had a blind date once with a woman who had more arm hair than Michael Jacksons chimp. I'm sure she probably braided her bush.

I also remember a lady at the beach once who looked like she had an overgrown chia-pet in her bikini bottoms. It resembled Chris Rocks joke on Macy Grey. Now that was a priceless moment.

D.T. said...

DUDE!!! I am laughing my ass off at your misfortune and I am so loving this Irrational April character? No wonder you're Laurie's friend! I'm still cracking up about the 4 inch pube!

I remember this one time some friends and I were at my friend Brittney's house and her mom came home and started to clean. She was a religious fanatic woman and felt that boys and girls should never be left alone in the same room together, with all the "horror-mones" seeping in the air.

So were in Brittney's room, laughing and talking and hanging out, when her mom bursts in the door and asks "Who having the sex on my coush?!" She then held up a long, curly, pube-ish looking strand of hair and shook it in our faces.

It was my Black friend, Anaztazia's hair (believe me, I was dying to laugh, but I couldnt cuz then my friend would think I thought she had pube-looking hair, which, let's be honest, most Black people do). Why Brittney's mom thought it was a pube, was beyond me. And it scared me cuz it made me wonder how long her garden had been growing without a gardner.

But yeah, I love your ranting! Cant wait to read more!

Anonymous said...

The woman who sits next to me (the whistler) had on a pair of tight granny panties yesterday. Under white pants. They were so see through you could see the elastic in the underwear. She looked like she had four asscheeks.

Randi said...

Driving down Sunset Strip on a weekend night you'll see plenty of porn playing in the pimped out rides of some serious playas. Holla!

Irina said...

you are sooooooooo hostile.

NWJR said...

That reminds me of a joke.

Q: What do you say to a hot Italian woman?
A: Nice mustache!


Just Cassa said...

My friends and I have a problem with Visible Panty Lines to the point that we made it an acronym. "Don't look. We've got a bad case of VPL ahead of us."

The Lily said...

Well from what you have described of your co-workers I don't think they are so much panty-"lines" as they are "panty-elastic valleys spanning the cratery surface of their elephantine asses."

schmims said...

You weren't kidding the other day. Let it all out!

I haven't had curly locks in six or seven years and Wednesday night, THK asked me to grow it out. WTF?

Ashburnite said...

ugh...every time I use the employee's ladies room, there are always long pubes on the seat. I don't understand it either. In this day & age, how are there women out there who don't at least trim the hedges? Personally, I prefer a totally bare lawn for myself (less maintenance). How can anyone have 70's porn star snatch? unbelievable.

Anonymous said...

That's a great story. Waiting for more. » »