Thursday, April 13, 2006

They're everywhere!!

Spring is here and it's finally starting to warm up in this awful state. Not only does this mean that the fucking bugs the size of baseballs will be all over the place, but it's open-toed shoe season. I have NO PROBLEM with open-toed shoes. I do have a problem with some of the nasty feet filling those open-toed shoes. You ladies know who you are. Grab a fucking pumice stone, scrub off your corns and bunions, exfoliate all the dead skin with a loofah, and paint your fucking toe nails right after you clip them bitches!! I would LOVE to wear open-toed shoes, but I can't. So when I see your crusty, nasty, feet with hard lumps staring up at me, I wanna shove my foot so far up your ass, that when I wiggle my (5) toes, your teeth would fall out!! Have respect for those who cannot expose their toes, you bitches!!!! OH and if you're going to wear a skirt/shorts/capris SHAVE YOUR FUCKING LEGS!!! I only have 1.5 legs that are never seen by the public eye and I STILL shave them bitches. Have some fucking courtesy!! I'd hate to see what your snatch looks like. DAMN!! Can't take care of your feet and legs...........dumb cunts. I tell ya.

I'm in no mood to be dealing with dumb bitches today, can you tell? So when She Man came up to me today and said, "It's Spring, you should be wearing a short-sleeved shirt." I so badly wanted to say, "BITCH! It's America, you should be waxing that mustache." But I didn't. Instead I said, "If you haven't noticed it's like a freezer in here and since this is where I spend the majority of my day, I'm wearing long sleeves. But thank you for your input." She got this 'how dare you' look on her face and just hobbled back to her desk. Fucking Quasimodo looking bitch telling me what to wear?? She has nerve considering that every single pair of pants she owns do not go past her ankles. HELLOOOOO!! High waters are NOT in style!

THEN, this REALLY dumb bitch from one of the other offices called and wanted to know our user name and password for this insurance companies website. After I told her what it was she asked, "So I use this AFTER I go to the insurance companies website?" I'm sorry, that wasn't an actual question was it? Because I'm not certain that I understand stupid. No, I KNOW that I don't understand STUPID!! Literally, I cannot say anything else about how fucking retarded that question was. I just cant.

My name, is April. It's been that since the day I was born. I did not CHOOSE this name. I was not born in April. My parents are assholes for naming me this, I know. But don't mother fuckers think that I've heard just about EVERY FUCKING April comment there is in my 28 years of living? Please EXCUSE me when I don't laugh at your cheesy ass "April joke" that you seem to find SO FUCKING FUNNY!! All I can say is, I'll be happy when this fucking month is over.

So I hope you all are have a fucking fantabulous day!! Those of you who are able, smack a dumb bitch in the back of the head for me, please!!

Deep Throat of the Day: Am I a fucking dumbass magnet today or what?

20 comments:

Mark Base said...

WHoah, you've got some attitude. (I like it.)

Itchy said...

I could smack dumb bitches on the back of the head all day...except I need the payday. I'm not sure why every office has these people...but they do.

fyrchk said...

I'm glad I'm your friend.

Randi said...

Everyone says "Do I make you randy, baby, yeah" when I tell them my name. It's fuckin' lame. Haha. I'm a poet and I know it.

Coley said...

Any person who knows ANYTHING is automatically a dumbass magnet. I'll smack the shit out of the next one I find, just for you. Now, THAT's love. Or thinly veiled aggression. Or violent tendencies finding an excuse. Either way, dumbasses: BEWARE!

NWJR said...

I think you could get rid of that ulcer if you would just stop holding back and TELL US HOW YOU REALLY FEEL!

note to self: Stay on April's good side

"OH and if you're going to wear a skirt/shorts/capris SHAVE YOUR FUCKING LEGS!!!"

I'll be sure to remember that advice! :-)

Great post. Absolutely freakin' great.

Alicat said...

April, I thought I was the only dumbass magnet. Thanks for letting me know I am not alone! We get tons of them in the store on a daily basis, but I can't smack them, they are customers :(

Grant said...

Since I wear short sleeves in the wintertime, I think it balances things out between us in some sort of cosmic karma fashion sense.

Bill said...

Ok, I admit it. I never even thought about the April to April connection. but now that you mention it...what are your favorite and least favorite jokes? Do you have any good ones about cumming before Mae? I really apologize for that, but it was right there. I am done now.

As for unshaved legs... you should get fur accessories for your prostetic... wear a skirt and when one of your nosy coworkers asks about the fur, say you wanted to fit in and have hairy legs too.

A.J. said...

I really considered myself more of a tardmagnet or, if you consider my last two girlfriends, a suck-the-life-out-of-you-needy whoremagnet. However, I don't think I'm that objective.

Jolie said...

All I'm saying is that I am glad I'm here and you are there. And, thank goodness I work alone!

Jolie (*going shave legs*)

mikey said...

You're not a dumbass magnet... VA is just full of dumbasses.

doc-t said...

my first thought, after the 'wow, this gal swears like my parents' thougth, was oh...she's s dumbass magnet... That explains why i'm here.

but then i read Mikey's comment... and remembered that you life in Northern Virginia...

Mikeys right... Manassas IS CHOCK FULL OF DUMBASSES!!!!!!

April, it could be just a question of location...

Jeannie said...

shit. I thought no one fucking noticed when I didn't paint my toenails or shave my legs. This is going to ruin my whole summer.
Damn.
At least your name isn't Avril cuz that would really suck except that most scuzbags wouldn't know it was french for April.
You are not a dumbass magnet. We are simply outnumbered 10 - 1 by them

Sassy One said...

Amen! Nasty, rough feet need to be outlawed. A teacher of mine use to wear sandals and her toenails were green and yellow and her toes were hairy...no joke!
Oh, and like you I've heard all the jokes with my name (lisa-marie). No Im not elvis's daughter u cunt scab...Ive heard enough too!

Ashburnite said...

I once worked with a woman who always wore open-toed shoes. She was missing the nails on both of her big toes. She just painted the skin where the nails should have been, hoping people wouldn't notice. As if that wasn't bad enough, her little toes curled over the toes next to them. She had the freakiest feet I've ever seen.

I've always believed that everyone should have to have a license to wear sandals. I have seen far too many people with hideous feet showing them off.

Frankie B said...

Hey April,
Ya need to stop beating around the bush and tell us how you really feel =) just kidding

You are right on the money with your rant.

I'd love to help you out with the smacking of a dumb bitch/bastard however I/A would have my ass in a sling if I did.

nicole said...

I know I shouldn't be laughing hysterically at a rant but this was just TOO effin funny! I must send this one around!!!

~*~ D ~*~ said...

1 dumb bitch smacked just for you...she didn't even know who did it....

even better...lol

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