Wednesday, April 05, 2006

Wife motor hard??

I woke up with a pounding headache this morning. Unfortunately it was NOT from have a threesome with Peter and Garth. Apparently those bastards were too busy to visit me last night. Anyway, I bought some Tylenol when I got my coffee. Let me just tell you that these fucking people have made getting to the actual pills, a pain in the ass. After getting the glued tabs of the box open, I had to take off the red seal that surrounded the lid. Then I popped off the lid to find another silver seal covering the hole. I jabbed my finger nail through that and peeled it away to find a huge piece of cotton that is just about impossible for adult fingers to pull out. I'm sitting there with a pen trying to get this cotton to come out, only to pull of small parts rather than the whole piece. It was such a pain that even my headache was getting a headache.

**********

Can anyone please help me decipher this email?

Title:
PHOTOSHOP, OFFICE 2OO3, XP PR0, AD0BE & 200 MORE SOFTWARES FROM $15-70 ONLY

Sounds like your typical spam for software, right? Well here's the content of the email......

or next how raise? immediate use disappoint drew window,
mentioned social disappoint already development, hard happened you pride pride?
wife motor hard? news wrong shining he.
back bought light suddenly principle. use news reference raise purpose is.
profession appearance nothing different,


WHAT THE FUCK?? Maybe this is foreign translation gone bad? Either way, "hard happened you pride pride" cracked me the fuck up!!

**********

It's been said that Lindsay Lohan is up for the part of the remake of Wonder Woman. I have a problem with this. See, I used to idolize Wonder Woman when I was a child. I even have a small scar on my upper lip from running into a wall when I was pretending to be Wonder Woman. So if Lindsay Lohan's crackhead ass gets the part, I may just have to seek counseling or slice my top lip off. Who knows?

Deep Throat of the Day: Who do you think would make a good Wonder Woman? (I like Demi for the part)

29 comments:

Pusher Robot said...

Jennifer Garner

Ron said...

Wonder Woman? HMMMMMMM How 'bout Kathy Bates? BWAHAHAHAHA....just wanted to see if you were awake.

Eww I think I grossed myself out on that one.

D.T. said...

Yeah, I heard about that, and the answer should be "NO". Lindsay is a total mess right now. I mean, before in her "Mean Girls" day she was hot (that scene when she's walking with The Plastic's to Missy Elliot's "Pass That Dutch" is so hot), but now she's just getting trashier and trashier and it is getting harder and harder to defend that girl.

LOL...and who the hell sent you that email? It's like those foreign language signs, that once you decipher, makes no sense!

NWJR said...

Spammers now string together random phrases and words designed to outsmart spam filters. It does result in some interesting reading! I like "hard happened you pride pride?"

Wonder Woman? Three words: Catherine Zeta Jones.

Mmmmm....yummy CZJ goodness.

Yikes, I'm getting "hard happened you pride pride" just thinking about it.

Heh. There's tonight's nightmare for ya...

mikey said...

Demi? Too old.

Really, the person with the best body to play WW... Elizabeth Hurley.

Sorry, call me old school, but I wouldn't buy someone like Sandra Bullock or Jennifer Garner as WW. Straight up? They just don't have that WW rack. Same goes for CZJ.

Just thought of this... dye Scarlett Johansen's hair brown, and you've got your Wonder Woman right there.

Maine said...

Wife Motor Hard. I think you just named my next band.

As for Wonder Woman, it'd have to be somebody who could act, more than somebody who could pull off a front flip, but really it depends on the script.

If you're looking to copy the original, you go with Jennifer Connelly or Carla Gugino. If you're looking to spice it up and make it more contemporary (aka more visuals than acting), I'm thinking Alba, Love Hewitt or Eliza Dushku.

Personally, I'd say the best choice would be Kate Beckinsale. She can act, sex it up, pull off the outfit, do an accent, etc. She's my front runner.

april said...

Pusher: I like her but her dimples are too big for the part, I think.

Ron: kathy bates would be a good character to spoof the actual WW. That is gross.

D.T.: The email was in my spam folder, so who knows where it actually came from.

NWJR: Calm your pride pride down!! =)

Mikey: I like Elizabeth better for the part than Scarlett.....

Maine: Kate Beckinsale is actually up for the part too. She'd definitely make a better WW than Lindsay.

Itchy said...

First off...the whole headache/cramp medicine hostage packaging they got going on...HATE IT!

Now...for WW...no Lindsay Lohan. Never. She's not it. Sorry. And Elizabeth Hurley does have the bod..but not the acting to go with it. You do want it to be cheesy...but not unwatchable cheesy.
So...good lord I can't believe I'm about to say this...I think I agree with Maine. Kate Beckinsale would totally rock the WW outfit and she can act better than Hurley.
My main hope for the movie...is that the Invisible Plane actually BE invisible...not see through. Two different things.

Bill said...

Kate Beckinsale is a good choice, but some other interesting choices would be Jordana Brewster and Emmanuelle Chriqui. they fit the busty brunette WW model...

The Lily said...

Jennifer Connelly

The Soviet said...

hard happened you pride pride was what cracked ME up too! ha! wtf!

and your tylenol bottle sounds like it's got a mormon chastity belt on. by the time you bust through all the traps and provisions to keep you out, it's just too much hassle.

Jolie said...

I loved Wonder Woman. I had a Wonder Woman bracelet. That rocked. Hmmm, my first choice was Mandy Moore, but after reading all the other comments, I'm thinking Kate Beckinsale too.

Maybe you have to delete some of the words to get the secret message, like:

raise window, hard wife, shining light, reference appearance...I get hot wife is in the open window with a light at her back and you should reference her appearance...

ok, maybe not...

Ev said...

Being a comic supernerd, I'm with you on Demi. I mean, she's a woman (not a little girl or teeny bopper) and she's fucking stacked and she's got enough draw sexually to own the shit out of that kid from the 70's show.

So, I'm with you on that.

april said...

Bill: I've never even heard of either of those women, but I'll take your word for it.

CB: SHE'S HOT!! and she resembles Demi, I think.

Soviet: Those damn mormons!!

Jolie: Your message will work.

Ev: Thank you. I think she's a good choice too. She certainly doesn't look as old as she really is.

Coley said...

I have a theory about spam email. I'm almost certain that it all either came from or ends up as slam poetry. Put an awkward cadence to it, and it's like open mic night at a neo-hipster coffee house.

As for Wonder Woman: If Lauren Graham could drop the flustered speaking, I think she could rock the flip and has the Linda Carter-type blue eyes. Mmmmm. Lasso of Truth.

But in all seriousness, I've never seen WonderWoman. Damn my youth!!!

juicya said...

Two words: Bea Arthur

[or anyone but Lohan or Alba...dont make me have to watch either of them "act"] Actually I think Kate Beckinsdale would do a wikked job. Id say Jennifer Connolly but its still hard for me to watch her after Requiem for a Dream. Ass to Ass!

Mike said...

Maybe the spammer was just trying to send you some ideas for your next word association post.

Another name that I've heard is up for the part of Wonder Woman is Charisma Carpenter. I think she'd be good too, along with a lot of the names already meantioned.

Grant said...

Demi might be getting a tad long in the tooth, but Angelina Jolie would do fine for me.

Kira said...

Linda Carter WAS Wonder Woman to me. I'm afraid that it makes me biased in considering any other woman. I loved Linda Carter in that role.

I think I'll have to side with Grant. Angelina Jolie would work for Wonder Woman for me. Mmmmm Angelina...

schmims said...

Hell yeah you would make a great wonder woman! I mean, you already have a bionic leg...

JJ said...

You remind me of Angelina Jolie.

Ashburnite said...

I agree with you- Demi would make a much better Wonder Woman.

-*- Nicole & Sadie -*- said...

You are quite possibly one of the funniest people I've ever heard of! I will need to come back for more of this...your stories are fantabulous :)

Randi said...

But Lindsay was SO good in Mean Girls... wtf happened to her? Dang. Kids, say no to drugs.

Kira said...

You know, April, for some reason right now I'm remembering the vibrator story that just had me laughing so hard I thought my beverage would spew out of my nose...the one you wrote a long while back about your son finding it? I think we need to have a "Best of April" moment because you have so many new readers now who have NOT seen that classic story. Do a replay!

(don't mind me. I'm up sick. I have nothing better to do than think of shit like this)

Debbie said...

I, too, will be in therapy if Lindsay Lohan gets the part. It's just disrespectful.

zoowoman said...

Hi, as far as the fucked up content of the spam email, they put that kind of crap in the text because some spam filters can check to see if there is content other than the advertisement - now the spam filter can read/ decipher, just see if there is non-ad text. I got on a few months ago that had the first few paragraphs of a book, it was pretty good and I wanted to know book it was from - pretty twisted, huh?!

As far as LL as Wonder Woman, she's a BABY, not a woman. Real live, grown-ass women don't act like that child does.

By the way, waht's up with all of the remakes of movies lately? They keep redoing old movies, but will never surpass the originals.....

Dark Damian said...

Babe, this email looks like the documents I have to decipher on a daily basis. This is straight-up Chinese, translated (poorly) into English.

Wonder woman...I pick Heather Brooke, amateur/professional porn star. She could deep throat the bad guys into submission.

nicole said...

See, you played through YOUR headache pain and still managed to post. You're MY idol!

Lindsay Lohan is to Wonder Woman as Ryan Seacrest is to Captain America. LAME!!!