Wednesday, May 03, 2006

I'm sure they don't like me

*DING DONG*

I make my way to the door, open it, and there are 2 pleasant looking people smiling like Bob in the Enzyte commercial.

Me: "Hello. How may I help you?"
People: "We're here to give you this pamphlet to read when you're going over your bible."
Me: "Well thank you, but I don't read the bible."

*GASP!!*

People: "You don't? Why not?"
Me: "Well, I'm not sure which one to pick because I'm told they're all poorly translated, reading makes me tired and I'm rather indecisive to be honest."
People: "Well the good Jehovah will help you find your way, may we come in?"
Me: "OH so you're Jehovah's. Well here please take this pamphlet back, I'm certainly not going to read it now that I know that."
People: "Why not?"
Me: "Because anyone who can believe in a religion where only 144,000 people are getting into heaven, MUST be a bunch of dumbasses. I mean, seriously, don't you think that shit is full by now?? Come on!! And even if your belief IS true, I'd much rather live my life THINKING that I'm going to heaven. But thanks anyway and have a great day."

Deep Throat of the Day: Can you say BITCH??

28 comments:

Ron said...

YAYYYYYYY youre back!! I was going to drive down to VA to find you if you didn't blog soon. Hope things are getting better you sexy woman you.

Anyway...I love the fact that they believe that only 144,00 people are going to heaven. It's apparently a very exclusive club you know.

Grant said...

I just now realized I haven't had a religious caller in years. Nutty neighbors, yes, but nobody pressing their religion. I've gotten some of the strangest opening lines you could imagine. One was "Most people have lost faith in the ways of God, but do you still have faith in the ways of science?" I stop all of them right there with "I'm not interested" and by shutting the door in their face.

Macca said...

'Bout time you came back. It's been DAYS.

Jehovahs can bite me.

Mojotek said...

April, you are now my hero. I wonder if they planted bugging devices around your home though, so they could keep track of "that woman that knows our secret".

Bill said...

You should have asked them about polygomy. Say you've been watching "Big Love" and are interested in multiple husbands.

juicya said...

I hada similar type convo with some mormons-- i think they'll pretty much avoid me now.

Itchy said...

I HATE it when asked by strangers (or really anyone...but mostly strangers) what my religious standing is. Grrrr....

~*~ D ~*~ said...

LOL I hope I remember your point next time they come knocking on my door~~!

The Soviet said...

well, because of a drunken night and a pinky swear many years ago, i was told i definitely had my spot among the 144,000.

not bad for a mormon.

Debbie said...

I work with a Jehovah and he has to take days off because it's his turn to annoy people.

Miss Sassy said...

Your making me glad the dog goes apeshit whenever someone approaches the door - he eats the mail as it comes through the door opening when the new mailman doesn't see the box on the house.

I remember watching about 15 people gather at the end of my driveway (we live at a corner) and waiting, just WAITING, to pull an April on them... but the rabid looking 50 lbs of jumping and snarling pooch kept them away.

I think tonight he'll get a rawhide for saving me the trouble of closing my robe that day.

NWJR said...

Great post!

Sassy One said...

If you tell a Jehovah you are catholic they turn and walk away (tried, tested and true!)

Although I heard them out one day, and they said I could come to their church on such-and-such day, so I told them they could come to mine, we welcome anyone at anytime, not just on a special day.

"Bitch"

delite said...

Shessh, they'll sell anything door to door these days eh?! ;)

Sue said...

I just start talking to them about my sex life (since I am gay) and they just freak LOL -- I used to tell them I was pagan but that made them cover over more often -- I guess being gay has it's advantages

The Lily said...

I've honestly never had to deal with jehovahs here. I have always assumed that is because we get a lot of mormons in this area and they won the alter-christian-faith turf wars.

Randi said...

Talkin' shit to some messengers of the Lord. Well played, Sister.

A.J. said...

Fuck them and their god!

schmims said...

Dude. Awesome.

Glad you're back.

Danny Haszard said...

Yup,Jehovah's Witnesses are total bullshit their central dogma is that Jesus had his second coming "invisibly" in the year 1914.
Get this,i was one and went door to door for 33 years selling their watchtower bullshit.

Amazing 'i was in the cult and now i'm out'--Danny Haszard Bangor Maine

Kira said...

I wholeheartedly agree that the 144,000 crap is...crap. I thought the criteria of most Christian faiths was that if you believe in Christ as your savior, you're in! What, in the last 2006 years there's only been 144,000? If so, I guess Heaven's full and there's no need! Sin away, folks! Good answer. I like to leave door to door types speechless. I'm so proud *sniff*

nicole said...

Oh yeah, the 144K is total nonsense. They took the literal translation of one passage in the Bible and decided to live their lives based on it. I can't believe so many people are down with this belief system. I mean, hell, PRINCE is a subscriber now!

Oh, how the mighty have fallen...

Jeannie said...

JW's rarely come to our house anymore. I think we cost them a few new converts learning the door-to-door spiel. They do not believe Jesus was God and have their bibles changed accordingly. However, they neglected to change the part where Thomas bows to Jesus after the resurrection and says "My Lord and my God!" which Jesus does not deny. So either Jesus IS God according to their bible or a scammer willing to take the credit and is not so great.

Lisa said...

Damn, I've missed you. I am so glad that I am back! I needed you today!

Frankie B said...

I usually break out my gun cleaning kit, that tends to do the trick. (mind you when I'm off duty I wear a do-rag, jeans and tshirt with dark sunglasses)

Listen Kindley said...

Shhh! I hope you don't mind but this is too much for me and I need to tell someone. I have found a website that is giving out FREE information about credit repair

NeverEnough said...

My husband was raised Jehovah Witness and when he died half his family didn't attend the funeral because he was not one anymore!! To me, that is the sickest fucking religion I've ever heard of. They come to my house every so often and I make sure to tell them this.

Macca said...

Update yo shit. =)