Tuesday, December 05, 2006

It'll never tickle

So I took Kira's advice and I gave myself an enema. Here's the scenario:

I'm in the bathroom on all fours, doggie style if you will, with the bottle inserted into my rectum. When all of the sudden the door busts open and Ethan walked in. (I forgot to lock it AND Ethan "forgot" to knock.)

Ethan: "MOMMY!!! WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!?!?!"
Me: "Get out of here, Ethan!"
Ethan: "But Mommy, why do you have that thing in your butt and what the heck is it?"
Me: "It's called an enema."
Ethan: "What's a nenema?"
Me: "Not nenema, ENEMA. And it's liquid that you squirt into your butt to make the poop come out."
Ethan: "Does it tickle?"
Me: "No, Ethan. You'll never have anything in your butt that will tickle."

So after about 10 minutes I get the most horrible cramps known to man and I'm on the toilet crying. This time I have the door locked and Ethan's standing right outside of it worried about me.

Ethan: "Are you ok Mommy?"
Me: "Yeah buddy, I just can't get the poop to come out."
Ethan: "You gotta push."
Me: "I am pushing."
Ethan: "Well maybe you're not doing it right."
Me: "If I can push your fat head out of my vagina, I can certainly push a turd out of my butt."
Ethan: "HEY!!! I DON'T HAVE A FAT HEAD!!"

Eventually everything came out ok.

Deep Throat of the Day: Why did the suicidal bunny decide to use MY tire to take his life?

18 comments:

art said...

ROFL!!!!!

Dark Damian said...

I...

I have no words.

You do realize that Ethan will have that image burned into his memory, pretty much forever.

Poor li'l guy.

Coley said...

April, only you can make me giggle about enemas. Seriously. You really have a sweet kid there.

Re suicidal bunnies: I have the same rule about human suicides and animals. Just don't include anyone else in your death. Not cool, bunny. Not cool.

The Lily said...

Oh my goodness. You are my hero. If I had been seen in such a situation I would have died right there on the floor.

re: bunnies - you know it doesn't get any easier even though they...

breed like rabbits! dah-dum-cha! Hit all you want! We'll make more!

Macca said...

Damn. Ethan is going to have to supress a lot of memories as he grows up. Poor lil sucka.

Glad your poop came out and sorry you're a bunny-murderer. ;)

Debbie said...

Um, I could never give myself an enema. I'm not that coordinated.

This is probably the funniest thing I've read in a while.

I'm glad it all came out okay.

Randi said...

You and Ethan are clearly veeery close. LOL

Miss Sassy said...

How cute that he wanted to help you poop... I found the BOX to the enema once and locked myself in my room for 3 months!!

Check your undercarriage for blood splatter marks, once that stuff gets sun baked you REALLY need a professional to clean it.
Not that I have any experience with that.

NWJR said...

Nice to see you're providing job security for Ethan's future therapist!

j/k

I'd say something like, "that's some funny shit", but it's probably inappropriate, eh?

Amanda said...

ROFL! April, you are one of my favorite people just because you crack me the hell up.

Bill said...

Suicidal Bunnies... songs like a great name for an all girl band.

no shit sherlock said...

Weird.

js said...

i had to stop reading twice to keep from thowing up i was laughing so hard
haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
that is some funny shit!
poop
ummmm stuff
thats best post ever right there
haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
jsull28fl@yaho

Kira said...

LMFAO

Ok, that's good stuff, even if you did have to go ahead and do the enema. I never lock the door either, so I can definitely see that happening to me. As the kids get older, MOST of the time they leave a shut door alone, but not every time. Murphy's law says it has to be just at that moment, of course, that they decide to open it!

Lightning Bug's Butt said...

Constipated? Screw the enema. Just order a #5 from Filiberto's.

J R Estelle said...

lol even funnier is that the minute you said Ethan had a fat head, all concern for mom pooping went right out the door, lol. damn I love kids.

mojotek said...

Ethan: "But Mommy, why do you have that thing in your butt and what the heck is it?"

Technically you should be glad that he could only say that because you were performing a semi-medical procedure on yourself. I could think of more incriminating situations than a self-enema... :)

This story made me laugh out loud by the way.

schmims said...

Never had that problem. As regular as a calendar.