Tuesday, December 12, 2006

Let's be real

Lately I've been feeling like I'm one of those women who like to be with guys who treat them like shit. Why? Because there are two guys I've been talking to who would treat me the way a woman deserves to be treated, but I don't like them. I'm not attracted to them. They're both extremely nice, funny, smart, caring, sensitive with amazing personalities. All the things I'm looking for in a man. But...they're both ugly. I don't want to kiss either of them. The mere thought makes me want to vomit. Ok, that's taking it a little far, but you get the point.

So I was talking to a good friend of mine on Saturday night and he brought up a good point. He said that nice guys are usually the unattractive one's and have to have something to compensate. Which is true and brings me to my next point.

The saying "nice guys finish last" is not 100% true. My theory on this is that nice, UNATTRACTIVE men finish last. Sure there are some attractive, nice men and they probably do finish last sometimes too, but they are few and far between. Yeah, beauty is only skin deep, blah blah blah, but how can you have an intimate relationship with someone who has a fantastic personality but you're just not attracted to?

I'm not all about looks, so please don't think that's what I'm getting at. All I'm saying is that I gotta want to want you. I want to daydream about our first amazing kiss, not dread the thought of it happening.

Deep Throat of the Day: Why do I feel like a bitch for writing this post?


Anonymous said...

April, that is the way it is. Here's another question. Why do women love to pick the bad boy because he is fun, and then they're surprised to find out he doesn't always come home drinks too much or lies? What we want...an independant woman with a level head that knows how to play up her best features,(make herself sexy), not too superficial and can hold a conversation. Sexy is working with what you have. Playing up your great attributes and playing down the rest.

Somewhere in Milwaukee. Ooops. Make that "Sexy in Milwaukee".

april said...

Sexy in Milwaukee: I know that I've realized after being with my soon to be ex husband for so long that I don't want the bad boy. I don't want a man who likes to go out an party or drink all of the time. I got over that years ago. I want a man who I can have hours upon hours of conversation with, doesn't cling to me, is smart, funny, sensitive and I find irresistable. I want to be able to look at him and feel weak in the knees because not only do I find him attractive, but he's got the total package. I think sometimes I want someone who doesn't exist. Sometimes I feel like I'm a kid wishing for a fairytale.

Rumblin Durango said...

I have just GOT to know... you can be brutal if need be. What did you think when you met ME? :) By the way... I thought your package was always quite complete. Green Bay Packer lover and all.

~ Rick

Anonymous said...

I think attraction is relative and there are ugly guys out there who are just as jerky as the hot ones.

You're fine.

Anonymous said...

april, I know exactly what you mean. I have one of these guys, and I have to remind myself ALL the time that it is because he is a 'good' guy that I am still with him. Am I leading a substandard life because I am settling? Probably, but he treats me DAMN good, and I just close my eyes at the 'moments of truth' and think of someone else. Am I a bitch for thinking like this? Yes, but I am willing to accept that. I am hoping you aren't.

jsull28fl@yaho said...

well damn I must be unattractive?! I think I'm an ok guy and at least somewhere this side of causing bile in the throat. Anyway it does seem that women want the bad boy or the one they can't have for some reason.
Waylon wrote and sang
ladies love outlaws
like babies love stray dog dogs....

he also sang that when women got what they wanted they always wanted it to change.

so if the bad boy is what you want you gotta know that he prolly aint gonna change!

ole good guy, no vomit causing looks I hope JS

Dark Damian said...

There are nice guys the world over. They come in every flavor:

Nice + handsome + smart + funny + sensitive: A fairly rare breed. These guys get snapped up like PS3s at Christmas. Also known as "The Total Package".

Nice + funny: These are the best friends. I fall into this category. Women love these guys - platonically.

Nice + smart: These are the troubleshooters, the problem-solvers for women.

Nice + handsome: These guys are snapped up too, but are released sooner by discriminating women because of the missing 'smart' element.

Nice + sensitive: These guys are often mistaken for being gay. These are also best friends, though they take on that "cry on the shoulder" role with the women in their life, which they try (usually unsuccessfully) to convert into a scoring opportunity.

Of course, there are other combos, but the key with you is this: if you're not attracted to them, it doesn't matter HOW nice they are. You're missing 40% of what you need in a relationship.

Keep seeking.

mojotek said...

I agree with Dark Damian.... BUT... doesn't being hung like a donkey count for something?

I think the 'Nice + funny + hung like a donkey' would get 'snatched' up more quickly than the "total package".

Anonymous said...

Whatever you do, don't settle for anything. You have to be patient. The last thing you want is a reapeat of anything you've already been through.

You're beautiful, smart, funny, sexy and a bag of chips.

Whenever you feel like you're going to settle, just remember the above there. Make it your mantra or somethin. lol

Randi said...

You're not alone on this one. I'm all for a nice guy but I'm probably not going to be attracted to ALL nice guys, right? Chemistry is definitely a factor.

Sherri said...

April, you were right. You and I are definately in the same boat. Sucks, huh?

At one time in my life I had the total package. A best friend who I loved to spend time with, smart, funny and could have been a model. AND he was tall. They're out there and you'll find the right one when the timing is right. You're smart and cute and funny. Don't give up and don't settle.

Coley said...

If you aren't attracted to a person, it's just not going to work. I've dated some conventionally good looking guys, but they just didn't do it for me.
There are nice and good looking mens out there. Just sucks to meet them.
Oh, and faking attraction to someone is even less fair to them. Everyone deserves to be desired.

Dark Damian said...

Mojotek, being hung like a donkey DOES count.

Trust me.

But, just like in golf, it ain't the size of the club, it's how sweet the stroke is. Unless you've got a BIG wood.

Big woods ALWAYS stroke well.

NWJR said...

Smart is sexy. And looks fade. We're all fairly hideous once we get past 70 or so.

I'm serious.

Let me relate a long story: I have two good friends who met back in the days of "phone chat" lines. You know, pre-Internet. They used to chat for hours at a time, and knew each other really really well before they ever met F2F.

The female half of the couple described their first meeting to me thusly: "He got off the plane, and when I looked at him, I took a deep breath, swallowed, and went up to him. He was not my idea of good-looking, and if I had seen him on the street without having gotten to know him so well, I would have turned and ran the other way."

She stuck it out, even though he wasn't particularly attractive in her eyes. In fact, he was rather UNattractive in her eyes, but she knew from their conversations they they were a match.

Fast forward more than 15 years later, and they're still together. She learned to get past the physical appearance. There's a huge difference between lust and love. She skipped right past the lust part.

Most of us--men in particular--are driven by the physical. But there's a LOT to be said for the great power of the brain. Looks fade. What if you meet the great-looking guy and the day after you commit to him, he's in a disfiguring car accident? I'm serious.

You're right. Unattractive--hell, even average--guys finish last. Same with women. It's messed up. I think if more people were introduced to each other the way my friends were--and gave each other the chance they did--it'd be a better world all the way around. When the looks fade and the initial "wow" attraction dissipates (and it always does; it's simply a matter of time), there'd better be something there to take its place.

That's my story and I'm sticking to it.


---end of rant---

Kira said...

I just don't think you can fake chemistry, and so even if a nice guy has all the features you want, if YOU find him unattractive, it's really not going to work in the long run. That doesn't mean OTHERS won't find him attractive on some level, though. Beauty/attractiveness is certainly a subjective thing.

I feel that by being picky, I found a total package. I will assume that maybe not everybody in the world thinks Alex is the hottest thing in the universe. For instance, he's 5'7", and that would automatically rule out Amanda from thinking he's hot...haha! But for what *I* PERSONALLY find attractive, damn is he hot. I have at least two friends forever who both drool after him too because we all have the same taste in men (and are all midgets, so 5'7" is tall for us!).

If I had settled with one of my friends I knew was fabulous but not my type, I'd have never been able to be happy in the long run. And I know it. Which is why I turned them down.

Just keep your eyes out and don't be bothered with the ones that are not to your liking. Remember: not being picky enough was what got you Sammy. I think being too picky is a much better alternative. "It takes a hell of a man to be better than no man at all!"

Anonymous said...

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. But remember that looks may fade with age and we may all get to go there. Make sure you get something that has more substance. Some people get better as they get older, I certainly did. I passed the jocks that used to get all the girls in school. It may have taken a while but I got there.

Sexy in Milwaukee

Anonymous said...

I am the anonymous from earlier who said I have one of these guys. I forgot to mention that he is the BEST EVER at the downtown modown (if you know what I mean) so I don't have to always think of someone else.

Jeannie said...

Beauty is indeed in the eye of the beholder. One of these "nice" guys could eventually grow on you. Attraction to attractive is generally lust which is why the fire goes out.
It's a bonus if you get or develop attractive + nice. Keep in mind that no one is perfect and some acceptance of flaws is necessary.
What I have found is that confidence ups the attractiveness factor by 500%.
Look closer at people and you'll see what I mean. Some are actually quite ordinary or even ugly but because of the way they present themselves, you see more to them.

Dysfunctional Sweetheart said...

Let's face it you're only being honest... if you aren't attracted to someone then you're dooming the relationship from the beginning. It's sad, but it's true.

Itchy said...

If you were meant to be with either of these dudes, the attraction would be there. Trust me.

When my husband and I first met, we both later found out that we were both "eh...ok" about each other. By the end of the night we'd changed our minds. Now I cannot even imagine what I'd been so "eh" about initially.

So...it's got nothing to do with lust. It's deeper than that. Don't feel bad about it. Attraction isn't all about the looks. It's the whole package.

Amanda said...

Not to echo most of the others, but you've got to have some level of attraction. As I've gotten older, I've become a lot less picky in the looks department because I do want an Alex of my very own...just a taller version!

So, what do you do?

You sit at home alone and wish that Milk was an ugly bastard instead of just a really hot bastard. ;)