Tuesday, October 30, 2007

PART 2

This is the second part of the previous post. So if you haven't read it, go now, I'll wait............Ok, now lets get on with the rest of the story for goodness sake!!

The custody battle was won by my dad. At the time my mom was living with her new boyfriend, Mark, and working at a gas station. My dad told the judge that Mom was living with the man she had cheated with and that she couldn't afford to keep me. He told me that she didn't want me and didn't even fight for me.

Over the years, I had learned to despise my mom and Mark even though they got married. In my eyes, they both had ruined my family. It didn't help that I constantly had Dad in my ear talking bad about them. I was constantly reminded how "Mom doesn't do for you like I do" and "She didn't even want you" and the most frequent, "She chose Mark over us." It was all part of his manipulation, all of it.

Things got so bad that Mom had to have her phone number changed and unlisted. She wouldn't even give me the phone number because she didn't want me telling Dad. Well, Dad had a friend who worked at the phone company and said that she wasn't able to give him her number, but she could tell him a trick. At the time, if you dialed 311 on a phone, it would repeat back with the number you were on. Dad told me to do that, but I didn't want to. He said that we needed the number because if something bad happened to me, he wouldn't be able to get in touch with her. So I did it. I don't know what Dad did, but the next time I went to Moms, she questioned me about how he got the number. I started crying and told her what I had done. She was pissed, not at me, but at him. When I went back home I told Dad about her being mad and he said, "She tricked you!! You should call her up right now and tell her that she tricked you and you don't want to see her anymore." So I did........

EIGHT MONTHS. That's how long I went without seeing or speaking to my mom. Finally on Christmas Eve, I laid in my bed crying and crying. Dad asked what was wrong and I told him that I just wanted to see my mom. He called her and asked if I could see her on Christmas and she agreed. I was so excited!!! But it was Christmas! I didn't have anything to give her for a present. I begged Dad to take me to the store and buy something. We went to the local drug store and I picked out a cheap bottle of musk (her favorite, yuck) perfume that I thought she would love. I wrapped it up and was so happy to give it to her when I arrived at her house on Christmas afternoon. She loved it and the day went really good. We both cried and I told her I was sorry. She said I didn't need to be, that one day I'll understand more about the situation and it'll come back and bite my dad in the butt.

After I got home from Moms, Dad looked at me funny and asked where my presents were. She hadn't bought me any presents because she didn't know I was going to be there for Christmas, which I had explained to him. Besides that, I didn't care. I was just happy that I got to see her. That just fueled his fire. "What kind of a mother doesn't buy her daughter anything for Christmas?" and "Even her 9 y/o daughter was thoughtful enough to bring her a gift." and so on and so on. He kept going until I started crying. I told him that I didn't want any presents, that I just wanted to see her, then I ran into my room and shut the door.

Mark was a coach for little league baseball and football. Once I got into middle school, I liked going with him to the practices and games because there were a lot of cute boys there. I had really wanted to be a cheerleader, but my Dad never wanted to take me to any of the practices or games. This was perfect because Mark could arrange for me to be cheering for his team, and they practiced on Moms nights. So Mom signed me up! I was SO HAPPY!! I went home and told Dad I was going to be a cheerleader! His first question was, "How are you getting to the practices?" I explained that Mark was going to take me because he coached for the football team. That went over about as good as a fart in church. He immediately called Mom and told her that I would NOT be going ANYWHERE with Mark and I would NOT be cheering for the team that HE coached! There went my excitement.

As middle school progressed, I got more and more involved with the drama program and band. Which meant less time with Mom. During those years, she had 2 of my 3 little sisters, which I thought was awesome! Of course Dad would say things like, "They're not your REAL sisters, they're your HALF sisters." I guess that wasn't true for HIS other 2 kids HE had from his first marriage? Then in 9th grade, Mom and Mark told me they were moving to Virginia. I was devastated. Finally things started to get a little better, and they were leaving. Virginia is where Marks family lived, so of course Dad had a lot to say about that. "She doesn't care about you now that she's got her new kids." and "His family is more important than you." etc.

So once, sometimes twice a year, I would travel from Florida to Virginia to visit. Dad would never help out with the travel expenses, so Mom would always pay. Then after I got my first job at Dunkin' Donuts, I was able to save up my own money and buy my own tickets. This pissed Dad off, but Mom had a 3rd baby and was a stay at home Mom. Their money was tight, so I was just trying to help them.

My high school years were tough not having a Mom around. I didn't have her to go prom dress shopping with me and do all of the motherly things that moms do with their daughters. Fortunately, my best friends mom kind of adopted me as another daughter and did a lot with me.

When high school graduation rolled around, Mom had planned on being there. Unfortunately, she couldn't make it because she had to have a hysterectomy. Sure I was disappointed, but I understood. And of course, there was Dad with the, "Again your Mom isn't here for you when you need her."

Then when I was 19, I got pregnant. I decided that if I was going to raise a child, I needed to get things in my life right. I started thinking about how much of a bitch I was to my mom and Mark over the years, and how many of those years were wasted. I realized that my dad never let me form my own opinion of my mom or even have a healthy relationship with her. So I decided to finally discuss everything with her and drove to Virginia for the weekend.

When I got there, I broke the news about being pregnant, and of course she cried. But I told her that I really needed to talk to her and Mark. I sat them both down and I apologized. I cried and cried and just said, "I'm so sorry for the way I treated you. I never gave either of you a chance and I'm so sorry. I want you to both be a big part of me and my baby's life, and I hope that you can forgive me?" My mom just cried and said, "I knew this day would come. I knew that one day you would realize that I'm not the horrible person your father made me out to be." We hugged and talked for hours and hours. I learned so much that night.

My dad started drinking very heavily. I had never in my life seen him take a drink, because he was a recovering alcoholic. He stopped drinking 4 months before I was born. The day I went into labor, I called Dad and he said he was meeting me at the hospital. When he got there, all I could smell was liquor on his breath. And being a pregnant woman in labor, it made me want to puke. Ethan was born and everything was great.

Mom came down with Mark and the girls 2 weeks after he was born. She had wanted to be there for the delivery, but who really has their baby on the due date? (I did) She was such a proud Grandma and Mark was happy because now he had a boy to shop for!

I stayed going to college full-time, working full-time, and being a full-time single mom. During the breaks from school, Ethan and I would go to Virginia. During one trip, we were all sitting at the dinner table. Eating as a family. That's something I hadn't done since I could remember. And I liked it. I wanted Ethan to grow up with family values, something I didn't have growing up. So before I left to come home, I asked Mom and Mark if I could move there when I finished school. I would have to stay with them until I got a job and on my feet. Mom started crying. She felt like she finally had won whatever battle her and my dad had over me.

College graduation was a big accomplishment for me considering I was a single mother. Both Mom and Dad were going to be there for the big day. That was until I got a phone call from my dad saying that he was going since my mom was going to be there. What? How could he be so selfish? How could he not recognize my accomplishment over his 13 y/o anger? I said to him, "If you cannot set your differences aside for a few hours to see your daughter graduate from college, then you're a pathetic piece of shit and I'm embarrassed to call you my dad. I fucking disown you! Oh and by the way, I'm moving to Virginia!" Then I hung up. Three days later, I was on my way to the god awful state known as Virginia.

A year went by and I never talked to my dad. Then I was in the car accident which subsequently cause my amputation. I thought that I should call him and let him know about the accident. After all, if my child were in a car accident, I'd want to know. When I called and told him, he asked me the most unexpected question ever........."Do you have any money I can borrow?" What? I just called this mother fucker and told him that I was in a serious car accident and out of work for 9 weeks, and he wants to ask ME for money?!?!?! I said, "Are you fucking serious?" And I hung up on him. Seriously, who does that?

There were more years (and to this day) of lies and attempted manipulation via email, phone, and family members, but I'm just not giving in. I cannot do it. Maybe I shouldn't be holding a grudge, but every time I try to let him back in, it's the same bullshit over and over again. I'm not the 7 y/o little girl who thought her daddy could do no wrong. But, I have thanked him. I thanked him for being such the shitty parent he was. It's because of him that I'm going to be the best mom to my son. I'm going to be at every sports practice and game. I'm going to watch him in his school plays. I'm going to help him with his homework. I'm going to be there for him no matter what. Not to manipulate him, but to help him grow up into a wonderful, well-rounded, open-minded, kind man.

Deep Throat of the Day: We won in OT!!! YEAH BITCHES!!

10 comments:

DIXIECHICK said...

I know it was hard for you...but thanks for sharing your story. Because of it, it has made you a stronger person...helping you to be the best person and mother you can be for Ethan...the best of luck to you.
Dixie

Randi said...

You kick ass! And you're a great mom.

jsull28fl@yaho said...

that is sad
but every trial in life either makes you beter or you allow it to ake you worse.
It appears you looked at the bad times, contributed by both parents, we met (in the long run) with a big ole fuck you from you.
And thats awesome
sorry it was bad for you when you were little
nobody wins everytime
but
do you know what the call the one who wins the last game/match/set?
the champ
so all you haveta do is win the last one, and thats what you are doing!
and I for one am pulling for you
and
thats the longest post I have ever read all of!
do I ge a cookie or sumthin?
jsull

Barbara Doduk said...

Wow. I respect you for sharing such truths. I can relate to this on so so many levels... but in my case it was my father who cheated, and I lived with my mom (age 6 on), but the crap my dad pulled all the years was crazy, and we hardly saw him. As a teenager he belittled me and I stopped visiting. Then I went out of my way as a young adult to finally get to know him, to give him a chance, only to discover I couldn't stand him as human being.
I didn't talk to him or see him for 5 years, then I found myself in a very bad situation I ended up living in the same house as him (and my brother and niece). We butted heads and I left as soon as I could. I still don't like him but have since learned to ignore his bullshit behavior for the sake of my brother and family. I find it very sad that I have never had a father in the true sense of what a father should be.

I am sure you will be a great role model for your son.

The Soviet said...

april,

thanks for sharing your story. you are doing great things for you and ethan!

Kira said...

It really is possible to just look at a crap parent and say, I won't be like you...and learn from it. Alex managed with his own father who was plain horrid. (His name is Jacque, so I call him Jacqueass). I'm just glad that you could all process it as a life lesson instead of stewing and being bitter about it. That really helps out your son too!

Softball Slut said...

THank you for sharing your story and letting us know that children can grow up to see parents mistakes. My fiancee's exwife wont let us see his two kids. It's been over 3 months, no phone calls, no visitations. We pay $1000 in child support, bought the girl her own cell phone for us to call. Nothing. His crazy ex tells the kids we dont love them, nor do I want them here with us, and that daddy wants to be with his new family instead. We are missing so much of their lives, its a terrible waste. And no matter how much they learn when they are older they cant get back their lost childhood and that is what makes me the saddest

DIXIECHICK said...

Come out, come out wherever you are? Where are you hiding????

Matt G said...

Don't tell your boy any of this, 'til he's much older.

Seriously.

It ain't right.

And, honestly? Don't be offended. (Shit. She's gonna be offended. (But you're gonna say anyway, ain'tcha, boy?)(Well, yeah.))

Counseling. It's not your fault that it's really worth getting.

But get some.

Worth it.

Best regards,

Matt.

Maine said...

Dude has issues.

And, you know, you came out pretty well-adjusted regardless, so... keep doing what you do.

(Favre for MVP...!)