In October 2006, my office got new billing software and any balances transfered from the old software were dated 12/1/05. Well there's a particular patient who had a balance in our old system and his statement simply reads: 12/1/05 - Patient Owes $308. This guy has been getting statements like this for months and months and we've not heard anything from him until today. He returned the statement with a note in red writing, "I did not live in this area during this time and would not have had any services from this office."
This response would've been normal had him and I not talked about his insurance not covering his bills when he was being seen here and that ultimately he would be responsible for the balance. So he was well aware of the fact that he owes us money. Maybe not for 12/1/05, but still, he's knows he owes. So anyway, I opened up a blank word document to start a letter to him and then decided that I was going to lunch first. While I was gone, my coworker took it upon herself to help me out and finish the letter for me. This is what she wrote:
Dear Mr. Dead Beat,
We have received your note regarding not being in this area in December, 2005. The computer accounting system we put into place last year backdated all prior uncollected balances to the date of 12-01-05, regardless of actual date of service. We apologize for any confusion this has caused you.
However, since you obviously received our statement of April 18, 2008, it is very likely that you received the dozens of statements we sent you prior to that regarding your old balance from May 2006, which remains unpaid largely because you are probably one cheapass motherfucker who doesn’t think he’s obligated to pay his bills and can just ignore them or act like some dumbass fuckin retard. Did you think we wouldn’t know that your bill is from 2006 even though the date on this one statement says 2005, motherfucker?? This is not some fuckin automated thing, dumbass. We use real fuckin people to do our billing shit and we look at each fuckin account. We don’t let an account slide by just because the patient is fuckin nitpicky about dates and shit. I don’t fuckin care where you lived when. You fuckin owe the fuckin bill. Now fuckin pay it, you ignorant ugly motherfucker.
Of course, if you have already remitted your payment, please disregard this billing, with our thanks.
One Legged Bitch
Deep Throat of the Day: Never hatch your chickens before you count them.