Wednesday, October 08, 2008


Just got done eating my lunch and my IBS decided to kick in full gear. I had a feeling I was going to be at one with porcelain for a minute or 20, so I grabbed a magazine (Complex which has some horrible pictures of Aubrey O'Day looking like she's high and doing some weird shit with her mouth. You can check them out at She used to be such a pretty girl and now she just looks like trash. Tragic, really.) to pass the time. Before I jetted to the bathroom, I took a sip of my MickeyD's sweet tea (see: the official drink in heaven) but apparently I have a hole in my lip, because I spilled some on my white shirt. The spill was strategically placed over my nipple. Great.

My co-worker had already gone on her lunch break, so I was the only one in the office. Any other time I have to use the can while I'm alone, I lock the front door. But I had to go pronto, so I forgot.

Let me tell you, I blew that bathroom the fuck up! If I could've bottled up the stench that came from my ass, I'd have my own pesticide business. Anyway, after creating my own chemical warfare, I splashed some water on my boob so the tea wouldn't leave a stain on my white shirt. I grabbed my magazine and walked out of the bathroom. BAM!! Standing at the front desk was a GOD!! He was tall with dark brown hair and crystal clear blue eyes and a smile that would make a nun spread her legs. There I was with a big wet spot over my boob, a magazine in my hand that has a raunchy picture of Aubrey O'day, and an invisible cloud of death creeping from the bathroom behind me. The hallway leading out of the bathroom is a straight shot to the front desk, so he definitely saw me coming from the bathroom with a magazine in my hand. He smiled.

I was mortified.

Our office is moving to a new location next month and he works for the real estate agency selling our current office. He was here to take pictures of the office. Great, no problem! I'll show you around......we go down the hallway and I'm praying that the smell didn't linger too far from the bathroom. God must've been busy. Because the hallway was rancid! I could feel my face getting hot. He was taking pictures of the exam rooms and I prayed again that he didn't want to take any of the bathroom. God hates me. He grabbed the handle of the bathroom door and I said, "Hey, I'm going to be at my desk. It's not a big office, so you won't get lost." Then quickly walked away. I KNOW he smelled my ass and I KNOW he knew it was from me.

He came to the front desk when he was done and asked for a business card, as if I wanted to engage in any conversation with him after that humiliation. When he was leaving, I looked out the window by my desk and was shocked by what I saw.

The picture is poor quality because it was taken with my camera phone behind a window and screen. But that red, Volvo station wagon was his. I totally didn't picture him driving one of those and he really looked funny sitting in it. Oh well. As gorgeous as he was to look at, I hope he never comes back. He probably doesn't want to anyway after what he saw and smelled.

Deep Throat of the Day: Remind me to buy some air freshener.


Anonymous said...

LMAO !!!!! I'm sooooo sorry I missed that. And you have the nerve to complain about my farts.

If I'm hoarse tomorrow from laughing so hard it's your fault. Uhoh, I might've just peed a little. OMG, I can't stop laughing. I wondered why you were so quiet when I came back from lunch. OMG, the laughter won't stop!! My sides ache!! And at the end of your blog, it says to "leave your shit here"....that made me laugh again. Still. harder.

Hey, but I love you, stinky ass and all. You're da bomb. (um, literally)

Shit, I cannot stop laughing. I don't think I can see thru the tears to drive home.

Your loving friend and coworker

fyrchk said...

Having lived with you blowing up the bathroom at another office, I can only laugh at that poor man.

Jennybean said...

The joys of a small office!

Lol... that was some funny shit there...


Britni said...

Life has a funny way of completely fucking us in the ass with no lube. Always fun. And I do not envy your sitch in the slightest, darling!

Randi said...

LOL. I love a good poop story. At Target they sell this stuff called Digestive Advantage IBS and it works WONDERS.
You know, in case you want to avoid this sort of sitch in the future. Haha.

Phaedra said...

I have IBS and there is nothing worse than if you get an attack when yuo are not in the comfort of your own home. You know whomever comes into the bathroom next is making that face like their shit don't stink. Asshats.

Sassy said...

LMAO!! That would be my luck right there!

You know it's refreshing to hear a chick talk about her shits and be proud of it. I like that. He was probably secretly impressed though!