Thursday, December 04, 2008

Keep your Jesus off my Uterus

The title is my version of the absolutely hilarious Keep Your Jesus Off My Penis song by Eric Schwartz.

I had to go to traffic court the other day for a ticket. Going to court means going through metal detectors. Metal detectors are great for people without metal limbs. So I go through the whole process of emptying my pockets, putting my purse through the x-ray machine, and then go through the big metal detector. Of course, I beep. The guy starts to ask me if I've got anything else in my pockets and I say, "No, I've got a prosthetic leg." At which point he sends me over to the guy with the metal detecting wand.

I tell the guy with the wand that my right leg is titanium and will make the wand go off. He starts on my left side from top to bottom. My earrings beeped, my underwire bra beeped then the weirdest thing happened, my left knee beeped. I looked down in shock. He said, "You said it was your right leg." I said, "It IS my right leg." He runs the wand over my left knee again....BEEP BEEP. He made me stand with my legs farther apart. And again.....BEEP BEEP. He told me to lift up my left pant leg, so I did. Again...BEEP BEEP. Now he's looking at me like I'm hiding something. IN MY FUCKING KNEE???

So he runs the wand over my right leg and it goes BEEP BEEP, like it should. He then makes me lift that pant leg too. So there I am, holding up the line, with one bare, pasty white leg and one titanium leg exposed for the entire place to see. I swear I felt like there wasn't one eye in the entire place that wasn't looking directly at me. I said, "Sir, I honestly don't know why my left knee is beeping. I've never had any surgeries done on it which required metal or anything even remotely close. When I was 10 I fell out of a tree and had a tree branch stuck right under my knee cap which required me to get stitches. But other than that, nothing."

Then he said, "What's that in your hand?" It was money that I had in my pocket that I wasn't about to put in the basket for anyone with sticky fingers to take. I showed him the money, which he inspected like it contained explosive materials. Finally he said, "Ok, you can go."

I was so embarrassed. I felt like a terrorist, only with a beard. A bearded lady terrorist with an extra boob. A three boobed, bearded lady terrorist with a fake leg and an extra vagina growing from my left knee. A metal vagina at that. Never have I had my left knee beep when I went through a metal detector. And I've been through many since I've had my prosthetic.

Deep Throat of the Day: If any of you see me on some hidden camera show with some weird wand guy at the Fairfax County Courthouse, please let me know. Thanks.

6 comments:

Jason said...

Great story. I can't possibly imagine what could cause the metal detector to go off near your knee. Very strange.

Though the idea of a woman having three boobs and an extra vagina sounds fucking awesome.

goooooood girl said...

your blog is very fine......

Grant said...

When he released you, you should have grabbed your purse and run at the nearest crowd brandishing it like a hot potato while screaming "Praise Allah!"

Jim McKee said...

That's what you get for being a Terminator.

Down with Skynet!!!

;-]

J R Estelle said...

lol yeah ok, as a woman, I'm so over ONE vagina, it's ridiculous. It might have been particles in the air, or some shit like that.

By the way, who does your bf work for so I can move there and get domestic partnership benefits?

NWJR said...

I thought it was bad enough when I had to take off my belt for the nice man with the magic wand the other day at the courthouse.

Shit, all I wanted to do was pay a parking ticket, not strip. He never did figure out why I made his stuff beep. I figure it's my magnetic personality.