Monday, December 15, 2008

Say it ain't so

I was sitting on the couch next to Ethan the other night, getting some snuggle time in while watching the tube. Out of nowhere he says, "Hey Mom, guess what?" I ask, "What?" He says, "Some of the peach fuzzes above my wiener have turned dark. And you know what that means? I'm going through puberty and soon I'm going to have a deep voice and hairy balls."

Then this morning I went to give Ethan a kiss good bye (he was supposed to be in the shower) I opened the door and the kid was standing ON TOP of the sink, NAKED, looking at his balls in the mirror. He quickly jumped down and spewed, "Don't be mad, Mom. I was just looking to see if there were any dark hairs on my balls yet. I also looked at my pitts, but there's no hair there yet."

OH MY FUCKING SWEET BABY JESUS AND ALL THAT IS HOLY! My BABY is growing PUBIC HAIR!!! Ohmygod. Ohmygod. Ohmygod. Ohmygod. This is freaking me the fuck out. Seriously. I mean, sure, I knew the day would come but I'd blocked that shit out. I just thought that he'd be my baby, my little boy, until one day I would just wake up and be 55 and he'd be all grown up with a wife and kids. Pubic hairs? Ummmm, NO!!! I want to skip this part, please!!

I will pluck them out in his sleep so I do not have to do the mature parental thing and accept the fact that my son, my BABY, is growing up and will one day have a crotch full of pubes. FUCKING PUBES!! Oh my fucking god.

I know that when I was his age I was wearing an A cup and bleeding from my vagina, but this is different. He is my son. And he cannot grow pubic hair.

Deep Throat of the Day: Why does the little turd gotta go and grow up on me and shit?

13 comments:

Grant said...

Just wait until the teen years when he suddenly decides you are a frickin tard and he knows better than you and he can TOO shoot heroin straight into his eyes and Jimmy said his pastor said a girl can't get pregnant unless you're married so he doesn't have to use a condom. Fun times ahead!

I love watching other people raise children. It makes me so thankful to be alone.

Andrea said...

I had a similar discussion with a co-worker a few weeks back. She's been talking to her son, who is about 10 or so I guess, about sex and puberty and stuff of that sort and she was asking him questions about stuff and he was answering and then he paused and then said "And my balls are getting bigger too!"

It was funnier in person.

Becca said...

I have a 13 year old son who told me the other day that he was "a man". I told him he was not a man and he said he was because he had "hair on these babies". So, not ready for this!!!!!

Southern Sage said...

haaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

Randi said...

When my brother started growing armpit hair it would make me sick to my stomach.
HA!

Jason said...

I'm still waiting for the hair to finally grow in on my balls.

Just kidding. My fellas have hair. It's blond and maybe hard to notice, but it's there.

Kira said...

Ariana came home from her dad's house last May, walked in the door, dropped her stuff on the ground, and then dropped her drawers. "LOOK MA!" she exclaimed, shaking everything she had, "I'VE GOT PUBIC HAIR!" Then her breasts started growing, and you know about her deciding that it was cool because they bounce. It's rough. She's also almost as tall as me. Not that it's a huge accomplishment since I'm 5'2", but still. I understand completely the freak out.

Amanda said...

Thank God I don't have kids! I'm certain I'd never do the mature parental thing. Ever.

Jennybean said...

lol... at least he still talks to you...

Breve said...

Yes it happens, and one day your baby who had smooth baby skin has long curly hair on his legs (and I can only guess else where), talks in a deep voice, towers over you by about 5 inches and is wanting tickets to the Bonnaroo concert....HE IS NOT GOING!!!!! Not letting my baby spend 4 days among sex, drugs and rock and roll!

spankingbarbie said...

April...my son just turned 14. Over the last year he has grown 6 inches and gained 80 pounds. He also went from a soprano to a deep baritone. Scared the crap outta me too. He now calls from the bathroom - "Mom...i need a towel! I can't walk to my room naked or Uncle Kip will be pissed that I have a bigger dick then he does". Erm.....

Barbie

Hubman said...

Ohhh, I dread the day when my 8 yr old boy gets to that stage!

My daughter? I got a few more years, and I'm pawning those issues off on my wife...

NWJR said...

"I will pluck them out in his sleep so I do not have to do the mature parental thing and accept the fact that my son, my BABY, is growing up and will one day have a crotch full of pubes."

There's tonight's nightmare...

;-)