Thursday, February 26, 2009

Not so delightfully tacky and completely unrefined

This past Sunday I took Ethan and his friend/neighbor, Hannah, bowling. We walked up to the counter to get shoes and assigned a lane. There stood the stereotypical creepy, cheesy, greasy bowling alley worker guy. He was tall with a beer gut, slicked back hair and the Magnum P.I. mustache. He stared at me with that look. You know, the one that makes you feel violated even though you weren't touched. Then he started asking me questions.

Creepy Guy: "Are these your children?"
Me: "He is my son and she's his friend."
Creepy Guy: "Wow. Your son looks just like you. He's got a very nice complexion. What nationality is your husband?" (I'm not wearing a wedding ring and this is obviously his cheesy attempt at finding out if I'm single.)
Me: "He's part American Indian and I'm part Italian, so I think he got the tan skin from that combination."
Creepy Guy: "I'm part Italian too!"
Me: "Good for you."
Creepy Guy: (now talking to Ethan) "Hey buddy, I like your earring. But I like your moms' earrings better. They look great on her."
Ethan: "Her BOYFRIEND bought those for her for Christmas." (Totally picking up on this guy hitting on me, he stressed the word boyfriend. Smart kid!)

The kids got their shoes and of course he assigned us a lane right in front of him. I got them all set up and they started bowling. I didn't sit right up there with them because I figured I'd let them have fun while I watched. So I sat at the table right behind them. Not even 5 minutes after the kids started to bowl, Creepy Guy came over to me.

Creepy Guy: "You know we have a snack bar that serves beer and wine. Would you like me to buy you a drink?"
Me: "Um, as you can see I'm with children which means I'll be driving. So, thank you, but I'm going to pass."
Creepy Guy: "Well they have food and soda too."
Me: "I'll probably get something for the kids in a bit. Thanks!"

Ethan was mean mugging him the whole time and he eventually walked away. A few minutes later he came back. This time Ethan came over too.

Creepy Guy: "Is your hair naturally curly or is that a perm?"
Me: "It's naturally this way."
Creepy Guy: "So you're a natural blonde?"
Me: "No, I get highlights."
Ethan: "She's not stupid!" (I cracked up laughing!)
Creepy Guy: "Why are you wearing a hat? You're so gorgeous that you shouldn't cover your face with a hat."
Ethan: "Didn't you hear me say she has a BOYFRIEND?"
Me: "I like wearing hats when I don't have anywhere special to go."
Creepy Guy: "I did hear you say that your mom has a boyfriend, and he's a very lucky man."
Ethan: "Yup. And they love each other a lot!"
Creepy Guy: "I can see how someone would love your mom a lot."

He walked away again. Ethan then told me that I should call Joe and have him come to the bowling alley because this guy obviously isn't getting the hint. Love that kid! A little while later he came back.

Creepy Guy: "Here's some coupons for a free game of bowling. You can't use them for today because I'd want you to come back so I can see you again."
Me: "Thanks. You didn't have to do that."

About that time Ethan walked up.

Ethan: "What are those?"
Me: "They're coupons for a free game of bowling."
Ethan: "Cool, so our games are free today?"
Creepy Guy: "No, I told your mom she has to come back and use them so I can see her again."
Ethan: "Hey mom, you and Joe can come back and use these."

The kids finished bowling and we left. Ethan couldn't wait to tell Joe that the Creepy Guy was hitting on me. The minute we walked in the door, he started blabbing about what the guy said and how he kept telling the guy that I have a boyfriend. Too funny. That story brings me to a conversation between Ethan and I this morning.

Ethan: "Mom, can I open this box of Cheez-Its so I can see if I won a trip to the ESPN studio?"
Me: "Sure."
Ethan: "Man, I didn't win. You know if I won I wouln't take Daddy or Joe. I would take you. Wanna know why?"
Me: "Why?"
Ethan: "Because if I took just you, we would probably get a bunch of free stuff. Guys always think you're hot and give you stuff for free."

HAHAHAHAHAHA! The kid is already trying to pimp me out to get free stuff! What a smart boy. I gotta keep my eyes on him very closely because with that kind of logic, he's bound to get himself into some trouble down the road.

Deep Throat of the Day: Magnum P.I. mustaches are so not back in style and better not come back for a looooooooong time. Make that never!


Grant said...

Unless you are enjoying the free stuff, why not wear an AIDS support ribbon when you go out?

April said...

Grant: I don't think I get that much free stuff. I can only think of a couple time that it's happened when I was with Etan. But you know, I don't mind it at all!

Maine said...

"Because if I took just you, we would probably get a bunch of free stuff. Guys always think you're hot and give you stuff for free."

So, in about 12 years, he's going to be the guy that brings his cute female friends to the strip club with him so he can get free lapdances. That's just good, sound economic thinking right there.

(Sorry for making you imagine your son in a strip club. But at least I didn't say he'd be bringing you!)

Jason said...

For some reason I kept picturing the bowling alley from Big Lebowski and the creepy dude as The Jesus.

NWJR said...

This made me laugh until I wet my pants.

Or maybe I'm just getting old. That's probably it. Explains a lot, including the social isolation.

Anyway...GREAT post.

Anonymous said...

I just saw an ad with Magnum coming back to TV! might be tonight!

Chicks in hats, yeah thats frickin sexy right there.