Tuesday, June 30, 2009

TMI Tuesday

Tuesday's are great thanks to these people because I don't actually have to think of a blog post. I can just copy & paste their questions and answer them. Done. Finito. So thank you fabulous creators of TMI Tuesday. Now on with the questions.

1. How many speeding tickets have you had? Accidents?
*I have a titanium foot, which I'm not sure how that compares to a lead foot, but regardless I've had more speeding tickets than I can count. I am a speeder. I cannot drive slow. Driving slow causes severe irritation to me. I grit my teeth, curse profusely, palms sweat, and I ride asses until I can go a speed that makes me happy. I am an asshole driver. As for accidents, I've been in 5. One of which was my fault, none of which were due to my speeding problem.

2. Boxers, briefs or commando?
*I wear thongs. On my man I prefer boxer-briefs. They're the hotness.

3. Have you ever had sex in your office or your place of employment?
*I've not had sex in my current office but I have in my 2 previous places of employment. I have keys to my current office so hopefully Joe and I can sneak in one night for some action.

4. Do you or your so own a motorcycle? Do you ever ride one? Do you wear a helmet when you ride?
*I do not own a motorcycle. It's been a long time since I've ridden on one but when I did, yes, I wore a helmet.

5. Ever been skinny dipping?
*Of course!

Bonus: Ever been arrested? Turned someone in/had someone arrested?
*Yes, I've been arrested. Before I moved to Virginia I dated a guy who went ape shit on me one night. Ethan and I were there hanging out at his parents house with him. An argument started and he started beating the shit out of me, so I fought back. At the time I was taking kick boxing so although he was much stronger, I still was fighting like Rocky getting his ass kicked by that humongous Russian guy. His parents sat there and watched the whole thing, just holding Ethan, doing nothing. Absolutely nothing. Fuckers.

He stole my purse and wouldn't let me leave. Thankfully, I had put my keys in my pocket and he didn't know. After he slammed me head first into the concrete driveway, he was in the freezer getting ice. Luckily, the freezer door blocked his view of the front door. I took off running out of the house to my car. The plan was to get to a phone, call the police, have him arrested and get my son. I got into the car, started it and flew out of the driveway. He darted out of the house and ran in front of my car. I ran his ass over and he flipped over my car, just like in the movies. I found a payphone close by and called the cops. They arrived and drove with me to his house so I could get Ethan. He was gone. That bastard took my son and fled from his house on foot. For 4 grueling hours, my son was missing and in the hands of the fucker who just beat me. I was terrified, angry, scared, you name it, I felt it. I drove around the neighborhood, I went to every friend's house of his that I knew looking for him.

I finally went to the police substation, which is where they told me to go to begin with. The cops finally showed up, what seemed to be hours later, and said they found him and my son was ok. Then they told me that because he was so banged up, they couldn't tell who was the victim and who was the aggressor, so they took us BOTH to jail. IN THE BACK OF THE SAME FUCKING COP CAR SITTING RIGHT NEXT TO EACH OTHER!!!

To top it all off, the police told me they were leaving my son with "his grandparents" aka, the bastard's parents who sat and watched him beat me. HE IS NOT ETHAN'S FATHER AND THEY ARE NOT HIS GRANDPARENTS! I told that to the police and they told me I was lying just to be spiteful and they heard my son call him Da-da. His name was Nelson and Ethan called him Na-na. I was furious! Thank goodness my son's babysitter was married to a police officer. Coincidentally, the girl doing the intake at the jail was someone I went to high school with. I begged her to call the babysitter's husband. He met me at the jail and had his wife go pick up Ethan and get him away from those psycho fuckers!

Because those people lied and said that Ethan was their grandson, they charged us with Domestic Violence. In the state of Florida you have to be married or living together or share a child for the crime to constitute Domestic Violence. None of those applied to us. Also in the state of Florida, there's no getting bailed out of jail when you get charged with Domestic Violence. You have to wait to see the magistrate. This happened on a Friday night. The magistrate doesn't come in until Monday morning. I had to spend the entire weekend in jail with crack whores and lesbians with lice who wanted to lick my pussy and wore maxi-pads on the bottom of their feet for padding. It was horrible. A 'no contact order' was placed and the charges got dropped on both of us.

He continued to stalk me. He would be waiting for me outside of my job. He would follow me when I went out. One night I came home from work and there was a card from him on my dresser. Either he broke into my house or he made a copy of my house key when we were dating. Needless to say we changed the locks. All times I called the police, but they never caught him there, so they said fuck it.

Shortly after that I moved to Virginia and never had to deal with him. Well I did have to deal with him in my nightmares for a couple of years after that. I would dream that he found us, broke into my house and stole Ethan. I would wake up in a panic an run to Ethan's room to make sure he was still there. It was absolutely horrible.

So that's my story about being in jail.

As for having someone arrested, yes. I had my ex-husband arrested for punching me in the eye. I have a very normal, healthy relationship now. In case you were like "Damn, she knows how to pick 'em" just know that I'm good now.


Osbasso said...

Sounds like you and I went to the same driver's ed classes. You'd have loved it here back in the day!

As far as elaborating, I find it's much more fun to just leave a bit of a tease! I will say that sex was in a public school multi-purpose room, and the arrest was for more than fighting/drinking/traffic reasons. Jail time was involved!

Grant said...

I thought only people without boobs got speeding tickets. You must be doing something wrong.

Barefoot Dreamer said...

man alive... after reading these post I have to give hubby an extra big kiss for never hitting me! pheww!

Get on that sex at work thing girl ;)

Anonymous said...

damn girl
he needs an icepick installed in his cranium!

Where in Fl?

April said...

Os: Thanks for giving me a little elaboration. I'll use my imagination to guess the rest.

Grant: I've gotten out of way more tickets than I've actually gotten. My boobs have helped me many times but they can only help so much.

BD: After being with some assholes, it really really really makes me appreciate having a good man. I will definitely get on that thing at work!

Sage: I seriously was going to hire someone to take care of him for me. But I didn't think it was worth spending the rest of my life in jail. It happened in Cape Coral, Florida.

R said...

You have the most interesting stories. Either that or my life is unusually boring.

Randi said...

Incredible reading, that's all I can say!