Monday, October 26, 2009

Embarrassing things

The other day I was telling Joe that when I was a kid and my parents would fight, I used to think that if I kissed one and then the other, that would magically bring them together. My dad's kiss on my lips would transfer to my mom's lips and things would end happily ever after. Of course, that didn't work and they divorced. But that got me thinking about all of the things that I've thought that were wrong. (yes, believe it or not, I have thought things that were wrong) So I've been trying to remember them so I can list them here.

I used to think that the "FL OZ" listed on the bottles/cans of beverages stood for Florida Ounces, because I grew up in Florida. It wasn't until I was about 13 and visiting my sister in Philly when I realized the sad truth. I was holding a bottle of soda and I said to my sister, "LOOK! This bottle was brought up here from Florida!" She said, "How do you know that?" I replied, "Because of the FL right here." She started cracking up laughing and told me what it really stood for.

Up until I took Anatomy in high school, I thought women peed from their clits. I did a whole lot of self examination after that.

Even though I knew what sex was, I thought for sure I had lost my virginity the first time I had a boy dry hump me. My experienced friend, Jackie, convinced me otherwise.

I had used the words desecrate and defecate interchangeably until about the age 20.

I was around 19 when I discovered that Vegas wasn't in California.

I have been, and always will be, afraid of the dark. Even now, at 31, I'm a big pussy when it comes to the dark. Just last night after I put Ethan to bed, all the lights were off upstairs. I shut his bedroom door and *ran* down the hallway, through the living room, the dining room and YAY I made it to the kitchen where the overhead light is dim. Sheeew! But listen, I swear there are things waiting in the dark to kill me. They wait for the moment that I don't run past them to grab me and take me to darker places to do evil things to me. When the ex and I first moved into our new house and we hadn't put up blinds yet, I would not, repeat WOULD NOT leave our bedroom after the sun went down. It was the only room with covering over the windows. The living room had a big huge window with darkness on the other side that contained horrible, horrible things just waiting to get me. I'm telling you people, it's the truth!

So what are some of your embarrassing things that you used to think but have learned were wrong?

Deep Throat of the Day: Evil lurks in the dark. Beware!!

9 comments:

Anonymous said...

I thought epitome was pronounced epi-toem, and that epitome and epi-toem were 2 different words.

Anonymous said...

except I used them the same way. "That is the epi-toem of...."

Grant said...

For some reason, I've developed a
problem wherein I say "awful" when I actually mean "awesome". I try not to use either word now.

Dewey's System said...

OMG I was laughing at your list. So funny. I can just imagine you telling someone not to 'defecate' this house of god. Ha ha.

And thank goodness for cell phones - Lighting our way through the dark halls at night and thwarting would be evil doers from killing us. Or at least doing more evil things to us.

Confession: I would have to drop off my trash at the end of a very darken long driveway at nights and run like hell back to the house. I could swear I was being chased by mad men.

Jim McKee said...

1. Epitome: I worked at a radio station, and the program director did a commercial where he said it wrong. I felt bad correcting him.

2. Where women pee from: My ex-wife thought that until one time we were in the doctor's office and I saw it on a diagram and pointed it out to HER. She was pretty embarrassed.

3. I have an uncle who, when he was a kid, thought that if you rolled down a window on one side of a moving car, you had to do the same on the other side, or else the car would tip over. He also thought the highway number (such as the 75 in "I-75") was the speed limit.

KBear said...

Um, I still don't know what the FL stands for:)

I'm terrified of the dark. I grew up in the country, and loved being outside, especially at night when it was snowing.. then, I watched Darkness Falls.. the one about the toothfairy?

That was over 8 years ago. I swear I can still hear that bitch breathing when I'm alone..

f1trey said...

florida ounces! hehehe thats good! Im so sorry darlin! Its hard for me to get over here with that firewall!!!! XXX OOO

Dharma said...

Oh man, I have a ton of these, and of course, I can't think of many right now, since you asked the question.

The few that come to mind are:

1) Believing in the concept of a "sympathetic chord" which musicians and composers used in their music to evoke feelings of melancholy, wistfulness, longing, sadness, etc. I mean, like there was an actual chord structure that was proven to induce said results.

My mother told me that one -- and I had no idea she was yanking my chain until I was a freshman in college and used the term liberally in a paper for my Music Appreciation class. Needless to say, I stood corrected.

2) For the majority of my high school and adult life, once I became old enough to be interested in reading philosophical tomes, I mispronounced the word "shrugged," you know, like "Atlas Shrugged" by Ayn Rand. I didn't say "Shrugged" with the "g" sound like "rug." I said some weird word that is difficult to break down phonetically, and I can't think of any rhyming words, but it was something like: shruh-zz-d. lol I also mispronounce "dwarf" and "folks."

3) I used to believe that "shotgun houses" were something a couple moved into after they had a "shotgun wedding."

hotdrwife said...

I remember thinking as a kid if you chewed on only one side of your mouth, only that side of your body would grow. :)