Monday, March 07, 2011

The truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth

Yesterday I was reading this post by Joker SATX. In the post he listed some observations from over the weekend. Some about himself, some about others and some about life in general. Overall, it was a good list. However, there were 2 observations in which I asked for clarification. One doesn't pertain to this post, so I'm only going to talk about the other one.

* There is no such thing as a truthful, honest and open relationship.

His response to my request for clarification was, "As to the first point. Give me your deepest darkest secret. Then let me speak with your significant other. Without your coaching, if I ask him would he know what that deepest darkest secret is?" I answered in more words but basically, "Yes."

Our exchange ended with him saying that I'm lucky although due to his pessimism, he doesn't believe it. And I completely understand that as I was once one of those people. After all, I was in a marriage without honesty and trust. The only thing open was our bedroom. (Yay for threesomes!) As a matter of fact, prior to Joe, I hadn't had a relationship that included honesty, trust or openness. But don't get me wrong, I'm just as guilty as they were.

It was after my marriage that I knew exactly what I wanted. No more lies. No more secrets. No more settling. No more pretending to be something I'm not.

I went into my relationship with Joe, not looking for anything serious. But he was so real and sincere. We hit it off tremendously well. I was able to be ME. The goofy, passionate, opinionated ME. And he accepted me just the way I was. On our second date, he told me some personal things about himself that he normally would've hidden. He wanted me to know those things about him so I would know HIM and not the person he thought I'd like. As it turns out, HE is the person I'm quite fond of.

I believe it was his honesty on our second date, combined with the strong connection we felt, that laid the path of honesty and trust we're on today. It was very hard for him to tell me the things he told me on our second date. I saw the vulnerability in his eyes.

From then on we have been honest with each other. Well, there were 2 things. One was a lie on my part. The first time I showered in his shower, I fell down. Hey, balancing on one leg while taking a shower isn't easy! I told him that I dropped the bottle of shampoo. I felt so guilty for lying that I came clean the next day.

The other thing was a secret. It was something from my past that was very embarrassing for me to admit. I was ashamed of what I had done and it's definitely something that could make someone think differently of me. I didn't tell him about it until after he proposed. There were many, many times that I wanted to tell him. It weighed heavily on my mind for a long time. But after he proposed, I knew I had to tell him. I couldn't keep a secret like that from someone who wanted to spend the rest of his life with me. So, I told him. He didn't even blink an eye.

I feel like I've been in enough relationships which were filled with lies that I can tell I'm in one that isn't. Maybe I'm naive for feeling that way but I don't think so. And I certainly don't feel that there's no such thing as an honest and open relationship. From what I know, Kira has a solid, honest, open relationship, as do Another Suburban Mom and Hubman.

What do you guys think? Is it naive to believe that honest and open relationships exist?


Jim McKee said...

Not naive, I wouldn't do it any other way.

Anonymous said...

You breezed over the most important thing in this blog. Threesomes?

Now back to your question.
I think they exist but they are few and far between. A lot of people think they are in an honest relationship but I would bet most are not. Mine is not there are things I have not told her and lots of things she has not told me.

Grant said...

I've hung out with Kira and Alex enough to see an open and honest relationship in action. They're rare, but wonderful for everyone in and around them. Or maybe those two are the freaks that are the exception to the rule. Like those two children they have that don't inspire me to go on a strangling spree after five minutes of exposure. They've been totally setting me up! I'm going to go tell them both off right now and get their unhealthy influence out of my life. Thanks, April!

Joker_SATX said...

First off, I want to thank you for the shameless plug on my blog! You rock!

And I would like to clarify even further. I have entered, (previous to my current relationship)into marriages where truth, honesty and openness were vowed. Both relationships started off great. Then a chain of events happened where, as they say, when the rubber meets the road, deception and secrecy came in.

In no way am I am saying I am guiltless. In retrospect, I feel I was as much the cause of this as it was my partner in life at the time.

But the old saying is true. Things are good, when all is good. It's when the shit hits the fan, that you truly know who you are dealing with.

For me? I wasn't so lucky. Maybe I am this time around. However, based on my history, I am very pessimistic and it has to be proven. Its sad really as I can not get over the guilty until proven innocent flaw I have.

Just sayin....

alana said...

I've had two so that makes his statement unsound. It's not easy, but you can't expect to get something different from what you put in. Hard times don't equal a bad relationship.

Kira said...

LOL! Grant! :)

Yes, the open and honest relationships are rare, but I wouldn't have it any other way. Now, I'm the type of person who is extremely open about her life to anybody anywhere anyway. Most of my closest friends know all about me. But I have a handful of secrets I hold close to myself for a variety of reasons, and Alex knows every single one of them. I know everything about him, too (but since he's a nicer person than me, his secrets are not so scandalous as mine...haha!). I can tell him anything I want to share, at any time, and I know that he accepts me for what I am without a blink of an eye. He doesn't feel threatened or insecure in our relationship which is probably the root of it. I'm just glad that both my kids have seen now for years this type of relationship so that they, too, can seek one out.

Hubman said...

Yeah, I think ASM and I are doing pretty good :-)

I think there can be relationships that are truthful, honest and open, yet each person can still have their secrets. Does ASM know *everything*? Of course not, nor do I about her, and that's okay, as long as it's not something I need to know about.

Randi said...

Brad and I are very honest with each other, sometimes to the point where it hurts. You know? Not malicious hurts but just "here's what's wrong and we need to fix it" hurts.
I am 100% myself with him and trust him completely. However, I think there are secrets in any relationship, intentional or not. And I don't think that's a bad thing.

T said...

I love this. I feel like my bf and I have an open and honest relationship... mostly because he is SO honest. Sometimes too honest. He's taught me a lot about acceptance in a relationship. I feel much more comfortable and loved in this relationship than others before.