Wednesday, June 08, 2011

Disappointing

When my ex and I first split up, things were pretty bad. I'm sure if you go back on here to around April of 2006 (had to edit the year because it's 06 not 04) and the months following, you will find some pretty detailed posts about how things were. He was badly addicted to pain pills. I feel that while pain pills weren't THE cause of our divorce, they were a very big factor. Pain pills completely changed him. They consumed him. He spent a lot of time looking for pills and when he couldn't find them, he spent even more time thinking of ways to get them.

When he didn't have pills, he would be an asshole. He would say mean, hurtful things and be violent. He lost his job because of pills, which in turn caused us to lose our house and eventually we lost our marriage. I cannot tell you how much money was spent on pills. Enough that would make you think of all the lavish things you could buy, that's for sure.

After I left him he started dating someone else, D. D was much younger than him and very naive. At the same time, she was a very nice person. Of course everything wasn't honky-dory, as I had issues with him still being on pills. I didn't want Ethan to be around him because I was concerned for his safety. The pills would make him nod out. He hung out with some shady people. And then there's the anger he had when he didn't have them. There was no way I was letting Ethan be around him alone.

Then he got help. He got clean and things were so much better. For the past 4 years, everything has been wonderful between me, Sammy and D. They've come over to our house for dinner, we've gone to their sons birthday parties, things were good. I would often brag about how much better Sammy was. I talked about how he had changed and become more responsible. We were friends.

Yesterday D called me and told me that she's leaving Sammy. She told me stories about him drinking and being on pills. Stories of his meanness and violence, his lies and unexplained, obscene spending. I immediately felt like I was back in my marriage because her stories were so familiar. She told me she was taking their 2 young boys and moving in with her parents. She said that she's not going to let him see the kids until he gets his shit together.

This just breaks my heart. I feel so badly for her because I truly believed he had changed. I truly thought things were good. And I know that he won't get better any time soon. It's only going to get worse before it gets better. That's how he handles things. But mainly I'm worried for Ethan.

Ethan and his safety are my number 1 priority. He's almost 13 now which means he can understand a lot more now than before. He can see what his dad is doing and can tell when he's not sober. I do not want Ethan being around him. I'm worried that he might get violent. I'm worried that he'll put my son in a dangerous situation. I'm worried he'll bring Ethan around people he shouldn't be around. I'm worried that Ethan will worry about his dad and try to take on more than he needs to, both emotionally and physically.

I sat down with Ethan last night and had a very open and honest conversation with him about the situation. I explained addiction to him and told him that it makes good people do not good things. I told him that while I don't want to tell him he can't go to his dad's house anymore, I don't want to have to worry about him every time he goes there. His reaction wasn't what I expected it to be. He really seemed to understand where I was coming from.

I haven't talked to Sammy yet because I'm trying to think of the most productive way to approach this with him. He is the type to get very defensive. He'll either start calling me names or he'll just hang up on me. So, I don't want to go into it in an accusatory way. I want to be....shit, I don't know exactly how to deal with him, which is why I haven't called yet.

All I know is that this whole situation is utterly disappointing. His inability to stay away from pills, his addiction, has let down so many people. And once again, caused him to lose his family. It's like he just repeated everything from our marriage with D. I'm just so thankful that Ethan has Joe in his life to be a positive male figure.

Deep Throat of the Day: Pain pills are the devil.

8 comments:

~DokterKenny said...

Gah...I am so sorry..but mostly for Ethan who is losing out on the importance of having rich growing experiences with his dad who is clean versus the addict.

Amy S. said...

I would approach it in a how can I help fashion. Like what can I do to help you so that our son can be around you because I know you don't want him to see you like this.

alana said...

Both of my parents were drug addicts so I can relate in part. I'm glad you were able to sit down with Ethan. So often parents like to think kids are more unaware then they really are. It may be easier for them, but I remember the confusion and not understanding why my family was the way it was.

Good luck chicka.

Alex said...

sorry to hear about all of this!

Randi said...

This made me have a frowny face. I'm sorry, April. Good for you for having a frank, honest conversation with Ethan.
xoxo

Propecia said...

Ethan who is losing out on the importance of having rich growing experiences. Poor thing!

ChopperPapa said...

That's a tough situation to be in, because he's going to feel like it's coming from all sides. Some unsolicited advice, (you may have already spoken to him by now).

Maybe put it into an email. Give him time to have his emotion before he goes all crazy or something. It's certainly a rock and a hard place.

Would love to know how it turns out

Asian Girl said...

That must have been a difficult conversation to have with Ethan. Kudos to you for doing it though!